Good Morning! I was going thru my old journal entries looking for an obscure factoid…a reference to something else. Not the point, but anyway…I came across these two older posts and well… in light of recent events, I had more cause to celebrate myself today. I have come a long way baby….I’m proud of my progress, and would like to share…(Ahem), so here’s some oldies but goldies from the vault!
And I know I am not “there” yet, but the going sure is getting better all the time. Have a good one folks!
*******Old Notes to a NEW Moon*******
“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is…The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.”
~ Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher
The Dali Lama says it another way:
“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”
Today is April 27, 2004
Again, what a difference a day can make. I spent the day, yesterday feeling, shocked, scared, and all alone.
This morning I am looking out from a new interior window, looking out from my internal basement.
I donÂt want to seem like a Drama Queen, itÂs just that I have come to the realization that I was not meant to have a life filled with real people, many years ago.
I accepted the fact that my limited ability to Truth was going to keep me somewhat isolated, from the rest of the world.
I hate to lie, and live lies.
My mate and I sat around discussing this fact for hours last night.
I am grateful that he does not think my reaction to my friends and my conversation an over reaction.
I just whittled out all extraneous people in my life, a long time ago, so that I only had these people that I trusted in the inner circle.
They know the real me, with my real past.
So I could relate to conversations with real experiences and real emotions.
I hate to have to lie, to be acceptable (to society), because that means that I will never be able to really know that person, or if after a long time of knowing someone, I let out a little of my secrets, to gain a closer bond with that person, I have found that they usually react with alarmÂ ÂI donÂt know you at allÂ do I?Â is the question that I get, or just shock and then the questions begin Âwhy did you lie to me?ÂÂ Always going farther than I feel comfortable going, or they get greedy and want the ÂdirtÂ.
So, I just never let anyone in, and then I donÂt have to be ÂfakeÂ at all and yes, it is lonely, but at least itÂs true.
I guess thatÂs what makes me love words and books and writing so much.
Here I am just me, and I make no apologies for my life.
I donÂt have to make up a life story that goes ÂoverÂ better in the world. And I donÂt have to worry about who is profiting from my storyÂ itÂs just me here, I donÂt even know you, if there is anyone at all reading this anyway. ItÂs not about you, IÂm giving you the dirt, but I am the one profiting here, if you get to feel better too, well thatÂs just hunky dory.
I can just be me, and not have to remember who I told what, and keep it all straight.
I adopted a ÂstandardÂ story many years ago, because I went into business for myself.
You would be amazed at how many times you get asked Âso, where you from originally? (Florida) Oh, well why did you come here? (School) Oh, really what school did you go too? (PSU) Oh, thatÂs great; I have a (fill in the blank) that went there, when did you go? Did you ever meet so and so?Â I could go onÂ you get the picture.
You even get those ÂbackgroundÂ questions when you meet people for the first time, and just talking about my most recent past can be trickyÂ I mean a real conversation opener is, Âyeah, I had a great little business two years ago, but then the bottom dropped out of my life and we ended up almost homeless and begging for food.Â
ThatÂs a real mood killer.
Now we just keep to ourselves, and I felt lucky to have found two people on this rock that I could trust with my history, my life, past, present and future.
I could relax with them, and know that they could relax with me too.
I can just be meÂ IÂm pretty cool most of the time, and mostly saneÂ the wacky parts make me fun, not sick and twisted.
I could be comfortable because they know my rulesÂ of conductÂ I only have a few, for my non imaginary friendsÂ one: donÂt make me feel trapped (mentally or physically), two: donÂt tell me what I must do (give opinions or advice but no orders), three: DonÂt hit me (verbally or physically) and four: donÂt judge me or lie to me.
Give it to me straight.
ThatÂs pretty easy I think, except that I can feel peoples inner turmoilÂ I get a sense of whatÂs going on inside of them, I can spot a dangerous person or a liar from ten pacesÂ really, I can FEEL them.
So, itÂs hard to not be honest with me, because IÂll say something like ÂIÂm feeling like you are not telling me something, I feel your tension (or IÂll give them the spot on their body that is freaking out, likeÂ ÂI feel that pit in your stomach, or, your heart is pounding, whatÂs wrong? What is it?Â My kids hate this; my teenager tells me it sucks, but only sometimes.
And usually I get the answerÂ it throws people for a loop when they canÂt lie. Now, people I donÂt know, and that donÂt know me, I never say a thing to.
I just go on like any other non-empathic person.
I also feel truths about people when I touch them. If you are someone that has become a person that I LOVE, I canÂt not feel whatÂs going on inside of you. I just know. ThatÂs what happened with my friendÂ thatÂs what I mean by what I ÂfeltÂ.
I felt judgment, even though her words were saying different.
I have never felt her lie to me before.
I also got images of her talking these things over with her therapistÂ like she has had to work on this ÂissueÂ before she could bring it to me.
I have no problem with any of thatÂ just that now I know why she has been avoiding me.
She knows I can ÂreadÂ her and did not want to deal with it, until sheÂ did.
So, I just want to say for the recordÂ I am OK. She is OK. My life will be OK. I just had to go through some growing up (again dammit!) yesterday.
I had to realize that there is no perfect relationship, no matter how few you have. I had to realize that I am not as whole as I thought I was. I had to get a grip on my continued human frailty, and bring down the walls a little more. I had to look at my yucky spots (againÂ dammit!).
I had to purge the stuff I collected from her (internally).
I had to realize that I have a long way to go.
I had to get a handle on my ÂissuesÂ with the world, my freaky past, and myself.
I had to realize that I might not ever, really not be alone, inside. The Theory of One is a tenuous agreement between the meÂs.
I had to realize that there is no free lunch baby, that everything comes with a price, and for her I would pay any price, because I love her. I love her. I love her.
So we grow, pain is inevitable, suffering optional.
Here is to accepting our lives in the unfolding, with as little resistance as possible.
Now get out of my wayÂ I have work to do.
My head did not explode, and I put the warning robot back in his bay.
I didnÂt plug him back inÂ Life with out the danger signalsÂ what a concept. Like free falling through realityÂ dude I inhaled way too much, in the day. (That was my 12% for the day)
IÂll still keep the burglar alarm on though…you canÂt be too careful, and I donÂt need any intruders right now.
IÂll just paintÂ
Right after my Gyno appointment, ÂHi doc, howÂs tricks?Â
Notes To A New Moon:
“The great epochs of our life come when we gain the courage to rechristen our evil as what is best in us.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche, 19th century German philosopher
Today is April 28, 2004.
I wonder what George Bush would say about this quote?
Hi folks, its just me your mad monkey sex kitten, all tarted up for you after a hard day in the mines.
I am sitting here in my paint-crusted clothing
After a marathon clothes folding, dinner making, children washing, kitchen cleaning, evening of fun with the boys. What more could a gyrl ask for? Well let’s not go down that road tonight…I have to tell you, I have been looking forward to getting a moment to rite today, and I don’t have a clue as to why though. I dimly remember something this morning at 7:00ish (thanks honey!) through the fog of coffee and breakfast, forgotten homework, MIA shoes and lost library books. I can’t for the life of me remember what it was now. I had this quote picked out though, and I guess I have been working on re-birthing myself…I wouldn’t call it a christening. I have been baptized and christened by several of your more popular regions and this isnÂt that. This is not something I think about every once in awhile, I’m forcing myself to live it, every freaking second of it baby. I’m might be a little tense and tired…I don’t know what do you think?
Today was good; I accomplished tons of stuff, but not all of it. Well, I got to have enough for tomorrow. Idle hands…you know the rest.
Pig and a Poke, I have been craving a cigarette for the last three days. I have been quit of the tasty brown leaf for 9 months. I even managed to loose weight while doing it. It still sucks to be a non-smoker, sometimes. Most of the time it rocks, and I don’t have to stink or die. (Yet) Well, isnÂt that something…huh?
I don’t think re-christening my evil is a good idea. I mean as far as a human insight, I’m clearly not getting it. My evil? I mean really, who wants to see that again?
I am from the (well known for it’s intellectual giants) city of Seffner. Where all your dreams do come true.
I may be pushing my limit here on the humor…slow down gyrl pace yourself.
No, really ahem…I am not too tired to be serious here, I understand that if we can take a real hard look, into the dusty back corners, and change what lives there for the better, well…then you get a spiritual get out of jail card…and you get to move it on up, to the next level. I can hang with that. What I am thinking is that what I am doing, by living in the moment…just trying to change the dusty, smelly parts of me as they surface. Instead of going and poking around, lifting up booby-trapped doors and looking under the bed. When I am presented with anÂ educational moment” in y life, the opportunity to grow, well then, I take it. Even when it sucks, even when it’s inconvenient, even when I want to run away and escape, I just stand still. I let it happen, I try to manage to destruction (if there is any) or chaos with clarity. What the hell, I don’t want to do that, want to get plastered and get laid and forget about it. But that wouldn’t get me anywhere (well maybe somewhere:) now would it. I have done that, and it didn’t work either. This method seems to be working pretty well for me. I like looking at the masters of our species (philosophically speaking of course…back away from the whip…) and trying to understand their gifts in my very modern, godless, world. I get it.
So, tell me…excite a socially starved grrl, what Evil do you need to re-christen?
I propose a toast!
Here’s to the next great Epoch of our lives!
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
I wonder what George Bush would have to say about this quote? (This left over question still stands today.) I watched Frontline last night about the “Jesus factor” in the presidentsÂ politics. I guess that his religious beliefs are fine with his god, the God of fire, destruction, lies and chaos. Another fine example of why I am not going to connect myself with anything that even resembles that. I don’t believe in a God. I believe that I am God. A God. In the flesh, you are too. We all are, some fight for good others evil…its all pretty simple. As far as having magical powers (all the popular gods do you know) I got my at a discount place, but they work pretty well anyway. You don’t need name brand magic…the generics work just as well.
I pray everyday (to myself I guess) that we will get rid of Bush. I am afraid of what we will get next though. I’d rather have a sex addict for a president than a murdering, rich white daddy’s boy. Make him a “born again” white guy and now we can all die poor and happy, and appropriately under his thumb.
OK I’m purged of the evil Bush, for now.
I just offered to paint a table for the Beat Bush campaign…I told them I would donate it, but they had to use it in the office, I’ll paint something rich with colors…and satire.
It’ll be great…I’ll post it when it’s done, if they accept my offer. I hope they do, I really want an excuse to paint something like that.
Yesterday my oldest had a big old zit on the back of his neck. He came to me to look at it. So I squeezed the crap out of it, he ran away, screaming non-nice things at his loving Mother. My five year old went into the bathroom, and gravely informed him “Oh, we forgot to tell you, If you have a zit, don’t go to Mom, she always squeezes too hard and it hurts, go see Dad.” The oldest just said thanks real serious like. Just two brothers 10 years apart in age, knowing the truth of their repressed Mothers need to Squeeze the living shit out of something. And that is just part of MomÂs make up, sheÂs great and all, just donÂt ask her to squeeze your zits for you.
OCD on the zit popping…I can’t get any fun around here.
I about peed myself giggling. They don’t know I heard them. It’s great.
My day was spent yesterday, cooking and doing laundry. The two great highlights of my life…not.
All though, because I only cook a few days out of every month (I have cooking days and make two weeks worth of breakfast, supper and dinner items and freeze them) it can be a fun day. I made 5 separate batches of muffins, cakes, and brownies. A huge bunch of Bean and Barley (with chicken this time) stew. Grilled Chicken with red mashed potatoes and green and yellow beans. Hamburgers and fries with corn on the cob, and chicken burgers too. Twice baked potatoes in two flavors, broccoli and chili. And some other stuff too. The men in this house (4 of them) all hide their favorite meals from each other and make a big deal about their food. It’s very flattering. I enjoy the praise.
If I were cat I’d Purr.
You just don’t get the same kinds gratitude for lets say, laundry or house cleaning. My family thinks its a pain when I clean, because I expect praise for a job well done…hey I give it to them…why not, it’s that or they can throw money…I’m not all that picky.
I will be painting today, after some errand running this morning. A really nice guy from my freecycle group is dropping of a used computer for my kids (free) later today; they will be so excited about that tonight. I love freecycle, you should check out if there is one in your neck of the woods.
In my part of the world I am known as “the ” freecycle artist because I am always asking for broken doorknobs and toys and stuff. They all get a kick out of finding garbage for me to use, it’s a great thing…look into it.
I am feeling like singing today, so I’ll put on some Annie (Lenox) and maybe the soundtrack from the end of the world and even cowgirls get the blues. I’m making Italian polenta chicken for dinner (my mates and my oldest favorite, it takes 8 hours to cook).
And I’ll be thinking of you out there, if there is any one out there. Wondering what you are thinking about today, worrying about today, being happy about today.
I am thinking that it’s good to be
God Of Me.
Sun is shinning, and my feet are tapping and I wonder what it is that will happen today.
Tell me about yourself. Come on Man…Do it now!
God has spoken…
Poop… Nobody ever listens to me.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,