My work…me. Each work I produce explains myself to myself, explains the why of me…the when of me…the what I want to become. I am being the change I want to see in this world. I am kind when I don’t need to be, I take time to smell flowers when ever I walk by them…or at least pause and touch…I make time for my kids, and my fur people, and my mate. I do work, but I don’t sleep much so I can do all those things every freaking day…to my best ability.
I guess what I am trying to say, that I don’t think it’s (finding your own inner path) really about the destination, or the journey….for me it’s
been more of a struggle to let it be what it is, when it is. Everything changes so fast…Opportunities knocking, and choices are made, with or without your participation.
I think the art I am creating now is a direct reflection of the inner struggle I am fighting within myself…to win over the past and to not be always looking to the horizon for the next thing(s) coming.
Just staying in every moment is monumental everyday.
When yesterday, The landlord offered to sell us the house we just moved into…my dream house…I could not stay in the present moment at all …all day…Anxiety, stress, pressure…Disappointment. I mean we get first crack at it (buying the house) but…what he asking is out of our league…by like a sqibillion percent.
I have put all my own money, time and effort into this place, signed a two year lease…and five months in, the owners decide the real estate bubble is going to burst so they better squeeze the juice from the fruit now. Houses that sold for 150,000.00 five years ago…are now double that. He bought this house in 2000 for around 184,000.00…he is asking 300,000.00 today. The house has had some cosmetic changes made, but still sports all the 1970’s charm it had when it was built, and it needs a new roof, gutters, hot water heater, landscape overhaul, and a myriad of other things…and…I already Love it. To be honest only getting a two year lease was disappointing at the time, because I wanted to live here forever, the moment I saw it. It has everything on my list for the perfect live/work environment. Poop.
We are going to look into buying it, but I am not getting my hopes up…been there done that…and am sick to death of not being rich enough to qualify, and too rich to qualify for the programs at the same time…and secondary market finessing… after three years ago having a foreclosed/bankruptcy/business loss…makes the payments on a home at these prices so out of our league…if I live in the past…I get mad, because we didn’t loose everything because we were living too large…we had less than $10,000.00 in consumer “debt” outside of our home and vehicles…I had even gotten the business to the point where we were generating our own capitol for growing and expansion…Without taking out business growth loans. So we lost exactly what we had…Not because we went on vacations, drove fancy cars…ect. Our local small town economey crashed…and I was misdiagnosed with MS and Lupus, and well…we did the best we could with what we had, gambled …held on too long, and went down trying to give it all time to get better…and lost.
Everything…and it haunts me because we worked so hard, just like all the people in our town did…but we built our little empire, out of nothing…Literally out of our back yard….and it grew and grew…and then BAM! Crisis…many of you have experienced this situation before…you know what I am talking about….
If I think about the future…I get overwhelmed…the goals I have today…after it all….three years later…are so much bigger than what my goals were when we we living large and in charge. Bigger and more daunting, because I am building me…not rebuilding….Building, right now as I am writing this, building. I don’t need a home that’s mine on a piece of paper to be happy, I want that (Great Universe how I want that for me and my kids to not have to move again)…but I don’t need it.
I need to keep working, right this moment…all the hard work I have put into this remodel was being done on my dime, and gratefully so…every new venture has start up costs…we only had a two year lease to begin with…fine, I just realized yesterday, when he offered us the house to buy…that secretly, deep down, I am still carrying the shame of my failure.
The loss of the home and land was one of the worse parts, my kids selling off their “stuff” to help pay the lawyers was really bad, moving three times in three years has been pretty awful, but I was simply ashamed, in front of my kids, my town, and my friends…. that was the biggest worst thing for me…Being Ashamed.
When he offered the house, I went backwards in time…when we were homeowners, and we were proud of it, because we don’t have anyone to help us, we are orphans so we went and figured it out on our own…then did it. It meant a lot more to me than I wanted to admit…I keep saying it was just stuff…money all that…but really it was a big deal…and yes I have lost everything I have ever owned at least a dozen times over before that…but this is…I don’t know, it’s just different in some fundamental way.
So…I was spiraling out in the future….OMG please, please, please let me have a home, this home I love….and the past…OMG please, please, please don’t let me get another great home that I love and then have to worry about loosing it again.
Today…I am in the freaking damn moment…*artist is now pointing finger at herself* I have a studio that needs finishing, I have goals set out for myself, and this changes not a one of them…I am flexible, I can not control what happens in the end.
I will apply myself equally to finding out what I can do to acquire my name to the paper to this home, because my kids have not been happier since we left the old house as we call it, and because I love it, I want it, and I can and will do my damn best to see if I can acquire it…but if I don’t…then that’s the way it will be…I can’t control the future either…if I do get the house…just because I lost before does not mean it will happen again…history only repeats itself, when you are too dense to learn from failure the first time. I came thru that last one, I beat the odds…I can do anything now.
So today…I finish working, I do my day job, I make some time for me and art to get together and dance around my new, wonderful studio…and I love my kids…and take cae of my body and soul. Friends…I am here, today…the BAD! Kitty Art Czar stands ….strong in that I am heading into rough territory…knowing I have all I need this time…. to weather the storm. If I don’t then I’ll learn as I go, but the mistakes will be new… not old repeats…and I am New…not an old repeat.
Create your own path…look where there is not one, then blaze a trail…see that spark in the distance? That’s me…Burning in the moment…Blazing my own trail…Driving into the future with my windsheild clean, visibility is clear, and the new woman driving…she’s got her baggage where it should be…in the trunk, where it can be glimpsed at in the rearview mirror…to remind me of where I have been and what I learned…I race into the wind, new, stronger, and flexible in my spirit and sense of adventure.
Let it be.
Have a great day everyone, I am going to do my very best to have one myself.
Create a path….my art is the journey…road markers…bring it Universe.
I am ready for what you want me to learn, know and have.
I am ready, or I’ll get that way…just keep showing me the opportunity/destruction and I’ll keep making some sweet assed strawberry lemon-aid.