quote in title― Kurt Vonnegut
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.
“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
It’s all so confusing…
The state of the world and humankind is making me depressed and it’s all so confusing when you are in elevated chronic pain. I’ve been experiencing high levels of continuous pain for 5 weeks now. The doctors are of no assistance. I use CBD oil and smoke pot so they have washed their hands of me because even though it is legal, it is still a schedule 1 on the federal level and it’s an HMO…so, their poor hands are just tied, ya know? Gee they sure wish they could help…
If I go to the ER, they will treat me as a drug seeker. Which by the time I gave in I would be actually screaming in pain so…I would be um, yeah, needing them drugs now, if you please. I have white coat PTSD as well, from years of uncaring doctors and tests that damaged me, medicines that almost killed me and more pain, not less. I could let them hook me up to a morphine pump, implanted in my spine…sounds Borg like to me…but, the deal is no more walking, you ride the chair and the pot has got to go. Also no more driving. Also, you’ll be a medically managed drug addict. Also, we will be the dealer and we will make all the choices, because my God! What do you take them for, monsters? Who would let a drug addict make their own health choices….?
Yeah. There’s that. I’ve been through all that. I take care of myself now and rarely tell anyone what’s going on. I mean what can anyone do but feel uncomfortable for me and with me. It’s a no win game.
Art saves me. It’s hard to do the day job and the studio time/business tending and the wife/mom duties and housework. I’m not complaining…well maybe I am but not too much…well maybe it’s too much but…it is what it is. (sigh) I get a lot of help and I’ve learned to stop freaking out about the state of my house…it’s messy. Most of the time and I have lived through it. Who cares? Turns out it was always just me. I was the only one bothered. I got over it.
It’s hard to keep thoughts together, as you can see by this post. Many that follow me will know that when I get a break from this session of pain, I will create so much art it’ll make your head spin. That’s why I am always saying there isn’t enough time, I need a little more time. I squeeze the creative crap outta myself when I’m more functional.
You out there in the world of abled people…have a fantastic day. Enjoy your body for the freaking miracle it is. I love you.
You out there hurting, dying and/or in terminal pain. I feel you. I love you and we are all still needed, here, now. We have jobs to do in these vessels of flesh and bone. Our hearts and souls still fire up daily, there is so much beauty inside our selves…we can and will do another day above ground and call that good.
Big love to all,