When the day ends and you are standing in a pile of mess and chaos, what do you do? When the split egg and the spilled milk cook themselves into a curdled mess, inside your own head. What then?
MAKE SOME ART. NOW!
Says, the booming voice in my head. It’s sometimes the only way to make my mind stop. Just stop for a moment. Take a breath. Feel your own body, be in it. NO! Wait, that’s not so cool, my body is a painful place to dwell within. I spend a lot of my time hiding the way I really feel with a mask of…I don’t even know what to call it. I baffle them with bullshit, till I can lay down for the hours allowed regular abled bodied people to run the mazes, in this crazy life. I am not abled bodied. I just play one on TV.
Make Art Heather. That’s nicer. That’s almost not a directive to escape, more a method to explain, all the things I can’t talk about. My heart is hurt and my soul a bit worn. The wild air out there in the world, is sapping my reserves. The demands to stay in the formation that will acquire success are ever present. The unexplainable need to get everything I can done while I still can…exhausting and thrilling, really. I mean how many of us get to play beat the clock, in real time? I’m in the game, I’m hitting the ground running. I’m shaking and grooving. Swish tail, like the mermaid, I swim deep.
That’s what we do right? All humans on this planet are under stress, duress. All animals are under stress, dying.
All plant life is under seige. Our bodies, our minds, our ability to have our own thoughts, feelings and problems. What can I do? How can I help my kids? How can I stay alive with working legs long enough to get it all done? How can I get all the art OUT before it’s, over? Can I survive the rest of life with this unending pain? Will I still be me at the end of it all? What if…
What if…I am just here to paint alien girls flying on magic carpets, drinking martinis? Or paintings of a woman owning her own story? Owning the hand dealt at birth, allowing the story to be written as we go, to the end? What if she was full of peace and love even though she sometimes felt the sting of the scars on her back? The ones that mark her as-survivor.
I’m working so hard and almost every moment of it all I am so grateful. I don’t know any of the answers to all this…life stuff…all this living. I do know a few things from the experience so far…
- Underwear suck. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- Life will be beautiful. Life will be awful. Do it all.
- Say thank you when you catch a glimpse of your true self.
- As long as you keep waking up everyday, make of it what you can, with what you’ve got, from where you are at.
- Don’t die as an asshole. Mend the fences. Say you are sorry and mean it. Forgive yourself and then extend that to others. Be willing to say no. It will suck. You will want to fix the other person. Don’t. Do you boo and do it as well as you can everyday.
- Be kind. Not nice. Nice is the conditioned lie we tell to ourselves and others. Be kind. Kindness is a truthful expression, nice is an attempt to control situations. Be kind. Be direct but say the hard things with as much love as you can muster in the moment. If you are nice, it will eat you alive.
- Take the risks. Paint the painting. Tell the story. Love the person. Love yourself. Say it. Do it. Remember none of us, make it out of here alive.
- Never stop learning. Never stop your education. Never stop questioning. Never stop the becoming.
- If your finger hurts when you bend it, don’t bend it. Same rule for your mind. You are not your mind.
- Learn to live with the discomforts. The uncomfortable. The unwanted situations. The unintended consequences of your learning processes. The unknown. The unknowable. Learn to carry them with grace. Very little will ever be “let go of” in this life.
- Love yourself as much as you can everyday. Even when its hard. Even when you don’t want to meet the eyes in the mirror. Love that person. Your relationship with self will determine your relationships with others. Face the person in the mirror and hold feet to fire and love as much as possible.
- Keep your own council.
I continue. I am doing what I came here to do.
And for now, today, that will have to be enough. Maybe I’m getting it all wrong. Maybe I’ve made mistakes that are still churning in my guts. Maybe I feel vulnerable…a lot. Maybe…..that’s my superpower.
What’s yours? What do you know? How are you doing? Have you been dancing enough?
I love you big, big. Thanks for being here today and if you read this diatribe…all the way to the end, I can’t thank you enough, for seeing me today.