Hello and how do you do, today?
My friends…I have not really been myself. Things have been screwy-louie and I have been having all the feelings. ALL OF THEM. It’s exhausting and makes my brain full of error messages. I also have been working through some acceptance issues…I have trouble
sometimes with accepting my physical situation. Even though I can’t really ignore it because of the constant pain, I still push myself to remain “myself” and do all the things. The things being stupid crap like, housecleaning, grocery shopping, errand running/procurement…you know basic Mom and Wife stuff…it also now is interfering with my ability to stand at the easel, (which I’ve always painted from that position) and actually be in any position for any extended length of time…except that is, laying down with my legs up. Can’t get much done from that position, let me tell ya. Pain also induces a fugue- state in the brain…brain fog I call it. Makes it hard to remember common words when you want them or being forgetful of small details, which is hard for me because I have always enjoyed being an owner of a lighting fast mind and steel trap memory. Change. It’s not coming, like my Doctor said yesterday, “you must accept the situation now, accept the responsibility for how the rest of your life goes from here.” Ummm, yeah…I’m working on it.
How do I accept the loss of my legs? Or, the loss of being an independent person that can do all the things to care for myself? Because I can’t anymore. I really can’t and that is actually accelerating at a much faster pace than we anticipated when they found “Henry” as I affectionately call my spine tumor, late last year. Hey if we have to live together for the rest of my natural born life, then it needed a name so I could try to negotiate a truce/friendship. There will be no going away party, not at least that I will attend in the flesh for Henry. We are together forever.
I do have to accept things. I do have to accept the changes in my abilities and make changes so that I can still have a life worth living through this experience. How does one get comfortable with the idea that the pain I feel now will only continue to get worse, until the unthinkable happens…and I hope to live for awhile…so I’ll do it it increasing pain…hhhhhmmmm, yeah. My brain says fuck that shit. My body says, dude, we passed the fuck this shit mile marker waaaaaaay back…you sooooooooooo totally need to get over yourself. My body is obviously a 80’s valley girl. Awesome. Totally.
So, as the world burned down last week…I did too in some ways. I feel the pain of the collective…it comes in waves, crashing. I ground, I allow, I also facilitate energy movement and clearing. I allow and transmute through artworks and acts of love and helpfulness into the world. I clean it up so to speak and send it back to re-circulate. I sometimes feel like one of those charcoal filters you hang on your fish tank…yeah like that…and so I need a good rinse and scrubbing off every once in awhile.
Isn’t interesting that we are all where we are doing what we are doing? Isn’t it?
I am allowing a little more clear thinking about the truth of this now…I can only practice the things I am not…like, accepting hard truths or creating expectations in general…I can not practice what I AM, which is currently without a title or label. It’s a vast, expansive feeling, I can tell you that, I can feel what it is but I can’t name it, yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able too, I know it’s ok…to die. I’m a durable spirit, if I so choose, I’ll transform into light and do what light does. This body is familiar though and dear to other humans that I love deeply. So, I will figure it out, even if that means I have to tap the love I have for my people over the love of my stubborn willfulness…I can do it all myself! I don’t want help or pity! I’m fine! I can handle it! Stop looking at me with that tone! Sheesh… I’m a real pain in the butt it sounds like. I know I’m not but it feels that way to have to ask for help with everything.
The struggle is real. I am very appreciative and grateful for this life. I am very very happy to still be alive and get to see my children grown. Jeeze, it’s just a couple of legs…you’ll still be here, thinking and creating and loving, shit…I’m pretty sure it’s not the worst thing, like ever…it’s bad… but worst thing ever? Probably not…I mean I ain’t dying. So, there is that. Keep things in perspective you know? Plus the world of prosthetic and mobility assistance is really coming a long way, so I’m gonna get me some bejeweled legs, because I like sparkle and my wheelchair is going to be jet propulsion, because um, like cool factor of a million %. Am I right?
Thanks for listening, allowing space for me in your world for a coupla minutes, I sure appreciate you. Want a safe, non judgement spot to vent or get something off your chest? Hey, I hear ya we all need that sometimes, feel free to leave a comment and let-it-go…happy to hold space for you too, that’s what friends are for. <3
Love always, HA!