Hello and good day to everyone, I’ve been M.I.A. while the big move has been happening. We did it. We have a home, with a huge, beautiful art studio space in it and we moved into it! I know, I know…. people do these things all the time…but not this family of people…this is our first home. Bill has been faithfully renting the same home for the last 18 years…I (and my children) have in those same years lived in 7 states and had 17 addresses. When I moved to Oregon from Michigan with my youngest child in tow, back in June of 2014…I didn’t let myself entertain the idea that it would all work out for the good. It would be whatever it ended up being and my life experience has taught me I can handle most unplanned events/consequences without dying, I mean, I’m still breathing…so… sometimes you have to risk everything to have anything. Just have to jump in both feet and pray for wings. I left all my belongings, art studio, fan base and friends to attempt the “be in love and live happily ever after” bit. Hey, I hear it’s a great gig if you can get it. So, once again I risked it…all of it…no one can ever say I was too scared to fail, nope not this girl. I risk failing allthetime. Allthetime. For real. It’s all part of my master plan.
Leaving what I knew and had built was hard, stepping into my husband and his young son’s life has been hard. Not having all my kids in the same place I am living, is hard. Not knowing if I’ll be a cripple, or if the cancer will come back again for a third try at killing me, is hard. Learning who my husband is as a person, learning about his son and opening my heart to another child is hard. Asking my children to go with the flow and risk my failure…yet again, because I feel I need this experience to be whole, is hard. Reinventing myself in the art world, after the long sabbatical to fight the cancer, which I didn’t think I’d make it through, is hard.
I’ve been married before, for 15 years, my children’s father. It was hard. Always. Me and the kids were not considered in that relationship, we lived by his whims/will and it was hard. I promised the kids when he left the marriage for another relationship that I would create stability for them and give them what they really wanted. A home. A happy Mother. A safe Mother. A whole Mother. A chance to be…normal? It is hard. I failed at keeping that promise, left and right. I had no idea when I made it that it would be near impossible to accomplish. I don’t break promises. I did. It was hard.
Now, I face the second anniversary of marriage to a man that I truly adore. Who is the only person I desire/need anything from. Who is making the “dream” come true. I am safe. I have a home and my children do too. I am also not currently actively, dying. I am living. I am LIVING and this time…I get to stay. This time, I get to stay. He wants me to stay even though I am not a good provider anymore, I am struggling with my art career and health, I struggle with my PTSD from being born into this set of circumstances…he says he wants it all and my health issues and my kids too…he says I’m worth it. For me…this is a miracle. My childhood did not provide me with… safety. I was never safe, I was either a commodity, burden or a minion for my masters. My youth did not provide me with…security. I was never secure. I started living on the streets the first time at 16. My first 20 years as an adult, did not provide me with success. All though I was a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, a good artist/business owner, a good provider and did alltherightthings, I only ever managed survival, not the thriving.
Now I sit here as I write this …to you and I look up at a 20 foot wall covered in easels. I am sitting in a nice room with all the bells and whistles, fresh paint, clean carpets, comfortable furniture, food in the fridge (I have my first fridge!)…music. This is safe haven. I get to stay. I get to stay, here and he wants me to stay. Me. Meandallthecrap I come with. I have a home.
Color me grateful. Call me unreasonably lucky. Whisper about how I did what I did and I come from a bad family and I was who I was and who/what I will be because of it all. Go ahead. Tell the world. I’ll just be over here with my 20 feet of easel space painting my world, one where I didn’t loose everything and I get to stay. One where maybe, just maybe I am loved truly for myself and not just for what I can do but for who I am. Me. Body broken, no money making, no longer a beauty, debt owing, 3 kid having, divorced, failed at just about everything…me. Salty or sweet. In his heart and arms, I found my real home. The house? That’s a bonus chocolate covered cherry on top of all the other good stuff. It’s freaking fantastic. Totally.
Look! here are a few pictures while we were setting up, I’ll take a few more as we finish it all up…it’s so stinkin cool! OMG, OMG…there is more! We also unpacked the Art Vault…we have over 100 finished works from our first year of alleyvision studio production! It’s awesome! I can’t wait to have our first opening here at the studio, it’ll be an epic party. 🙂
I have to go to work now, do the day job thing to help keep this special new place paid for. I hope to make it over into the studio space and find my muse again, soon. I need to paint and write…omg…. I’ll just explode if I don’t. I’m sure of it. Boom. Heather pie all over the freshly painted walls… yuck, what a mess.
Be well everyone, spread love. Be love. Be kind. Be you. We need you. I need you and I am unafraid to tell you, that now….I fearlessly and faithfully love you and there is nothing you can ever do to make me stop. Not ever. So there. Take that.
Thank you for stopping by today. Support living artists! <3 HA!