Hello there you.
It’s Tuesday. I am having feelings; isn’t that interesting? I am experiencing so much these days, and so many shadows rear up to scream at me from the back of my mind. I hear them in whispers and screams and grunts. I see them in the facial and body movements of others around me. I observe everything and am learning to stop mentally recording…everything. little. thing. But I can not stem the feelings that I experience at anytime, they are there. I am also experiencing deep and profound, unmitigated even, joy and love. Who is this creature I live inside? Why is at once needy and desperate feeling as well as warrior class fierce? Why does she do the things she does? She is me. She is a woman finding her way through the maze of transformation….from maiden to crone. What happens when there is perspective on the daily? We have the chance to catch up, grow the fuck up and really put on our work boots for the rest of it all.
When they told me the fantastic news that I had beat the cancer, my 7 year struggle was officially over I felt the earth literally move under me. Shift happens people. I then, on the way home, allowed myself a moment with the fact that I was going to live. The bills will have to be paid, the nerve damage in my spine is not going to go away and I will live the rest of my life in a state of pain that is at times overwhelming, AND you must finish your life’s real work…no quitting early. It was a moment of panic. Which I let pass over me and then dis-fucking-missed. With lots of prejudice. I will live and that’s what matters most…move on Heather. The rest is logistics.
These days I am absorbed with the feelings of being alive. Before the cancer I was alive…I thought I was anyway. I did all the things that humans do so I was alive right? nope. I was in a coma of sorts. Biologically alive. Looking for ways to avoid, distract, deny, feelings that were unpleasant, painful or uncomfortable. In the physical aspect of living and the mental too. Avoid! That was the word. There is no need to avoid anything anymore. It’s all gonna happen anyway. So, I am learning to build rafts and surf. I am learning to self sooth and congratulate. I am learning how to feel…everything. I’m tender at times, I am needy at times, I don’t feel so great about myself sometimes, I don’t like the way feelings…feel sometimes. I get confused and lost inside my head and my ego will step up to the plate, try to wrestle the cart back onto the road…start lying to me. Start telling me this is right, that is wrong…judgments abound, shit starts flying all over the place inside my head. I am alive!
This is what it’s like to drive the big rig. Hold your ground on the icy curves, don’t fall asleep at the wheel when the trip is long, turn off your brights so you don’t blind onlookers, know when to use the hazards and how to change a flat mutha humping tire in a flash flood. It’s the view that captures me. The oncoming rush of the unknown against my windshield. The road behind me unfurling and soon forgotten or faintly remembered as a landmark. It’s the view out the side window as it becomes what it is meant to be…all on it’s own. It’s natural rhythm becoming part of my story. It’s the fine music and bad singing at the top of my lungs with the windows down…chair dancing just because it makes me feel good and people smile in the cars next to me. This is what it’s like to be the driver of a meat machine, programed for love. Holy shits balls, I am Alive! It seems to be a thing that’s gonna continue so I best get on with it. Allllrighty then. Moving on. Tally-HO!
Last night, my husband, after listening to me lament about my lack of large canvas work space…sent me to the showers, and while I was there, he built me this….
People! OMG. Really? So, awesome. It’s the last easel I’ll ever need. The best thinga bout it? Now we can stand shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip and paint together. I tell ya…I love this feeling. This one I’ll record and keep forever. Use it as a landmark. A corner stone, for the times when I am scared and confused and worried. I will hang my hat on it…AND any size canvas I can dream of too. 🙂 Happy Tuesday, and keep it in perspective folks. Carry on. HA!