Mental Toughness Monday.
I am not a victim of anything. Not even my own mind, past, feelings, or limited understanding. I am also not in control of anything, which also includes the above list. It’s a strange place I find myself in at times. We all have triggers. Emotional, traumatic, dramatic, life experiences that have left us changed. A little rain must fall in every human life, I’ve seen my storms. Just as you, dear reader, have as well.
Freedom is what we do with what has been done to us. ~Voltaire
I had an experience this weekend. I had a moment where I felt like I left my body and floated off into my old inner nightmare landscape. Old pain surfaced like a whale breaching, powerful and sudden. I was awash in emotion that was, momentarily, paralyzing. My feet grew roots, spreading from under me in an instinctive response to the need to keep me upright and not running…assholes and elbows, that’s what my body wanted, in the moment…to run. As my legs turned to wood and my heart slowed to the time stopping, painful beat of panic setting in, I felt my inner self reject the torturer. Myself. I am the torturer now. Allowing the moment is unavoidable, it happened to me. What I do with that is up to me. This is me, the human being, mastering my meat.
I AM. That is enough and it always has been. ~HA!
I have carried around this anger, towards people from my past. Adults that I needed to rescue me as a child. They didn’t. I walked around, until this morning, with an ember of rage and anger for each of them my whole life. This morning I am released from that burning coal, I have healed it, in my own hand.
“in her open palm…pearl.” ~HA!
I have found honest forgiveness for them and myself. I have found myself on the other side. I understand more fully the position each of them was in. I understand how impossible it seems to save anyone but the self. I understand how hard it must have been for each of them, I can never know what it was like to be them, but with the valuable insight of my own pain…I can forgive now.
It’s hard mutha fucking work.
It’s raw and overwhelming.
And…there is a reason for the “feelings”.
It is my jet fuel, bitches.
I am not tied to my mind in that slave like way any longer.
I can have all these feelings, and I can light them on fire, take fucking control of my meat in my head…with my most powerful tool.
The fist sized muscle in my bloody chest. My heart.
I am loving myself as is.
War torn, bloody thing that I can be sometimes.
I am loving myself into a position of curiosity instead of fear and anger.
I am healing the wounds so that I may be free to grow into who I am to be in my last moments of being human.
I am and always have been free. I remember that now.
Education, comprehension, understanding a little bit more of the unknown and learning to relax, because none of this shit is really under any of my control anyway.
I release my need for order and perfection and non drama. I embrace the totality of my experience…good, bad and fucked all to hell.
I will keep turning this field, terraforming my inner landscape and plant new trees in my fallow clear cuts.
I Am. I continue. I am a machine, programmed for love.
That is all. Have a productive and fertile Monday.