Can I tell you something?

I have so much going on inside my head, truthfully. I also am still struggling with finding and making friends. Holy shit that’s a hard one.  In my day job I coach people regularly to get, find or create a social group that is outside family relationships. Family can be involved of course, the point not being to exclude but rather increase and expand. Well, I hear those words come out my mouth daily, kinda hard to otherwise ignore the message. I need to expand into the world too. I spent the last 8 years of my life isolated in my family life, kids and husband. Mostly husband and then kids. And work, don’t forget work. I painted like a mad woman through those years of literal isolation, weeks could go by and I might leave my home and family once or twice to run a quick errand. I was becoming physically slowly sicker in my body and didn’t want to admit it or deal with it. My self-esteem plummeted, my confidence shattered. My daily happiness was dependent on my husband and children…and the current painting on the easel. When it ended, I was lost. I had no one to call out too. My family of birth had all died in those dark years. I was alone, with my boys now, but still alone.

The shakedown is still happening. I am still learning to accept my life as it is. I still struggle to get out there and make it happen. With this new body that is differently abled, I still wrap myself up in my current art and the daily hum of family life and work -for -a -living ritual. Ritual is soothing, its sneaky. Years can go by with you knowing what you need to do but somehow not doing them all the same. Complacency is slavery. I am working on a master plan to reinvent myself. It may involve costumes and magic tricks. I like to dress up. I will learn to play again. To play at things and be adventurous because the change starts here. If I want more then I simply need to look forward, follow my own advice and get a freaking life already. I have a love relationship, I have my family, I have my work, I have most of my faculties still intact. Now all I need is a life out there in the wide world of people and things and places and lessons. Bring it on, I want to set it on fire just to  watch myself burn.

Message received. BAD! Kitty is not over and Never Out.



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1 Comment

  1. JilliBeans
    October 29, 2011

    You will, I know you will. You are a strong woman and you won’t let anything hold you back. : )


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