Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone elses opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.
Its been awhile hasn’t it? I have not written in so many months that it feels strange and vulnerable to do so now. That means it’s time to do it, so here it goes.
What happens when you embrace the life you have and really know down to your toes, for maybe the first time in your whole little life. that it’s also the life you really, really wanted all along?
I have been through transitions before, the type that leaves you breathless and shaky, and the kind that leaves you shivering and exhilarated. This one, for me has been a little of both. My divorce from my life mate of 15 years is nearing its final completion. It’s one of the fastest divorces this side of the Mason Dixon Line and well…its good. I am feeling less and less like I failed and more and more like I’ve been set free. I didn’t even know I wanted to be set free, I was so used to my cage. Now that the doors have been blown off my life for me, I am grateful for every moment of agony it took to get here… today. Change is the only constant in this life, the only constant. I can count on things changing, planning to have my life not change is the ultimate recipe for disaster. I have accepted and grown with the ending… and today just a short hop from when it began, I am free. How can I now, not be grateful for that freedom? I have also rediscovered myself, reimagined myself, relearned to love myself again… and because of that work I found love again with a wonderful human being.
I am not an artist that can use angst to create with and from. While I suffered through my change and then grew into my new self, I created very little art to record the process. I left this moment in time to the imperfection of my memory. It has not been recorded or preserved. Not the end of what I thought was my last relationship, relationship….nor the beginning of my new, knock my socks off relationship either. Sacred these moments are, and I don’t want them to be documented in my work. They are private and just for me to know. I am selfish in this memory hording. I hold these moments so dear, yet I am compelled to not record them in my work…not currently anyway.
I have been working, and change always inspires new work, but while I have had incredible highs and lows, I have not created in those moments. I am growing still…again…perpetually. I want my work to reflect that experience, not record the pain and joy of living, but the actual living, in the moments as they happen, to capture forever in a grain of sand. The futures just a pearl clutched in a sweaty palm.
I am in love.
I am love.
Love is what I am and want to be.
I am loved.
I am sure again that I am worthy of being loved, not because some one else loves me, but because, maybe for the first time in my life, I really know who and what I am. I love that, I love who I think I am today…I love that I still do not know for sure what I am capable of. I love that I am more sure of myself and that I took a little time to roll with the punches. I am proud of myself. So, I am in my own way becoming the person I have always needed and in that process, I’ve met someone who thinks I am pretty cool too. Nice how that works, right?
So, in short life keeps happening.
I keep on keeping on.
I am living right out loud and naked. You want to see what happens next?
Wonder what freedom for real will do to the BAD! Kitty?
Well, then you will have to come back, read, feel, see and experience for yourself my explanations of reality.
Welcome to my world, I hope you like your stay.
Raw & radiant,
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