I have some stuff on my mind, you see this is how it works…I think, I read, I write, I paint, and then I have to figure out what and why and WTF?
OK first to set the mood:
“Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress. It is wrong then, to chide the novel for being fascinated by mysterious coincidences, but it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension of beauty.”
First, I have been asked by a friend to join an artist challenge group. The theme is set every month and there is a deadline and everything.
Now, enter stage right the BAD! kitty…OK, I want to be able to do stuff like this. I want to be told on some level what to do and reach inside and see what the hell I can drag out. I want to embrace non-control, letting go of the little ego (which I need to stay alive BTW, not a bad thing) and plugging into the larger God Head Ego. The One. The Big Sea Of Universe. Basically I like plundering around inside my head, hey it’s mine and I don’t have a social life so why not? Thing is…I have to have a fire lit, I have to WANT to Know something, in order to have courage or convictions about actually completing something tangible.
I am essentially a person who rejects rules, if I don’t see that they apply to me. That is not the kind of thing that makes me a player, a joiner, a person who wants to be in group settings. You’d think it’s because of my health/body issues, or maybe because of my geography, or maybe because I’m some kind of ego maniac, or some other thing else, how do I know what you are thinking? It’s a little of that I suppose, but it’s also a huge part…of being alive for me right now…I am immersed fully. I can’t hear you..lalalalalala…I am working over here. I am thinking I don’t believe in coincidence, I am thinking I am master of my fate and destiny. I am reading other peoples blogs….and finding myself all over the freaking place. People just like me who are writing to the unknown, exposing themselves in the virtual world. How much bravery, honor and true humanity I see and the equal amounts of fear, darkness and weirdness. I am a voyeur. I am a witness. Yet I am neither. I AM, the center, expands into the God Head. I am inspired. I joined the group. I was immediately rewarded with the total quandary of figuring out what “unrequited love” meant to me.
Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.
So, I don’t know what Unrequited love is. I mean I really don’t know from a romantic sense. I’ve ever only really loved the person I am in love with now. Rejection sure, I know that one…that’s different though. So, I have been thinking and reading other peoples blogs to see if I could find this…unrequited love. during this time I have been experiencing huge bouts of anxiety. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is what the doctors call it. I don’t normally have this issue for more than a day at a time when it happens at all. I thought it must be about the whole “joining” thing with other artists that I feel are “better” skilled, better in all ways.
“The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it. Each is the proper guardian of his own health, whether bodily, or mental or spiritual. Mankind are greater gainers by suffering each other to live as seems good to themselves, than by compelling each to live as seems good to the rest.”
Well in this few days span of time, we suffered a huge ice/snow storm unlike anything I have ever personally lived through. Kids home 24/7 and batshit crazy bored. Never a moment alone to think, to write to paint. Then all of a sudden, the issue of unrequited love was solved for me. It came in a twitter of all things, which I also just joined about a week ago. It was from my Aunt Coni, my Fathers sister, someone whom I have not spoken to for more than 10 years.
no matter what your spiritual condition is,
no matter where you find yourself in the universe,
your choice is always the same:
to expand your awareness or contract it.
OK, I say to myself…what will this bring? I had no one but myself to ask, so I did what I have always done. I responded. I live in a transparent world, you can see me, you can read my thoughts, if I write them, you can intuit meanings from my paintings and stories. Transparent, out in the open, everything good and bad, it’s all in these past 1025 blogposts. But, you can not touch me. You can see me, but there is a thin sheet of glass between us all really. No one can get inside, not unless they know the top secret password, handshake and have a plain white envelope full of something I might want to know or have. Or Came from my screaming womb, that’s a sure bet forever VIP pass, backstage even.
She wanted to inform me of Family News. These are people who have not been connected to me…well I’ll be 40 this year, the last time I had any real contact with them I was 26, and between 16 and 26 I had only brief contact at all. I was written out and off. It was my own mouth, my own choices, my own need to not follow rules, my need to be seen and heard for myself…not an extension of them and their way of living/seeing life. OK, so there’s news…there’s two sides of that funky ass coin for sure. OH Shit.
“The Meaning You Give” is both a choice and All-Powerful and “The Meaning You Give” is the true reality of your life. Therefore, the true reality of your life is what YOU decide it to be by “The Meaning You Give” each situation.
We email…I get news. Dad is dead, I knew that one, because I “accidentally” saw the obit last August. No such thing as coincidence.
My GrandFather, My Real Father, is also gone. He died in December. They both died from Cancer that was quick and deadly. I loved that man, even though we lost our connection, when I think of happy “father” times, he’s the Man that gets that spot. Ouch. That one hurt (s).
My younger Brother, Michael has had a daughter. I am an Aunt. He is 7 years younger than I am. They named her Lilly and I LOVE her. I may never get to know her, or even see her face…but I LOVE HER. Just as I love my little brother who is now a grown man with a family of his own. Make no mistakes, Our family is FUCKED UP. But as individuals we all have graces and goodness. Or I would not be who and what I am today. A grown up woman with a fulfilling career, a life mate, a mother of three sons, the oldest will be 20 soon. A human that reaches and reaches not knowing what I will grab. Just reaching. And trying my best to break every chain I was born with, given, and beaten with. I am a chain breaker, and I am not a coward. I don’t need any stinking rules. I figure it out as I go.
“We didn’t miss it. This is it. C’mon. You wanna go home?”
I now have what I needed to create many works about unrequited love. Indeed. Nope, I do not feel anymore anxiety either. As soon as the twitter came to me, another voice out of the dark past, finding me here, in front of millions, billions of possible readers..you, in front of you. Finding me hiding right here, in the open…I felt the unknown anxiety go in a flood of detachment. I got news, somehow I knew was coming a week before I got it. And I also did something to get ready for the overwhelming flood that was to come not three days after my rash choice to join things that are out of my control. (unrequited love theme, artists that indemidate me with their skill, but if you are going to hangout with people it might as well be people I admire and WANT to learn from and with) Doing Things I didn’t know squat about, exposing that to these other artists that I think so much of and wish I could do what they do…and also to the world, because it all comes out in some way, blog, or paint, or make music…you see how it’s all fitting together, right?
I was offered an opportunity to build a dam with the art challenge. I didn’t know what the theme was going to be and when I found out I was immediately set to the internal task to find it’s meaning for myself. In that time I got the news, the flood began and I was building my own life raft, while white water rafting. (it’s a specialized skill, I am good at getting fat from fire too) All during an ice storm, with two rebel yell children strapped to my hip, and at a shortage of everything I needed.
The unrequited love of my life may well be of my own flesh and blood and spirit. My family of birth, still my greatest wealth of inspirations for my works, my understanding of the world, the universe, my place in it all. I have been gifted with a self awareness alarm (anxiety without cause) and a system of internally dealing with the familiar flood of personality and memory that comes from any contact to my past life.
I have something to do. I need meaning, give me some place to stand and I’ll own it all. I need something…That’s all I need, really. I need something to do or my body will go nuts.
I have a body but I am not my body. I have all these feelings, but I am not all these feelings. I have these desires, but I am not the desires. I have these thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.
I’ll let you know what happens next. I have painting to do. Feelings to explore, music to listen too and more blogsto read…for the more I read the more I find my answers inside my own head. Thanks to all who freely write about their lives, many of you without ever getting to know, how you have helped me build this life raft…all out of nothing at all really, and yet everything that there really is.
“In Heaven you get it all back, In Heaven it all comes back.” ~Laurie Anderson
Update on this post: Below is the painting I did finsih for this work, and I’ve been going strong over at the Artist Challenge now for months. I’ve gotten over my BAD! self and have given into learning and embracing what I do not know. It’s great. Hit the link and see the challenge site, all the terrific art and my progress, if you wish. Or hit this link ‘Unrequited Love: Loving Kathleen’ to read about this work. It is currently on sale over at my Etsy page, it’s on the web site too, just not at the sale prices.
Thanks for reading, I hope you all have a great weekend.