Above a journal sketch…
Ok, so for the last two weeks…I’ve been really busy. I really quit smoking this time, and I started a cleansing program for my internal organs and systems. Cleaning the pipes so to speak, cleaning out all the toxins and crap I put into my body in order to “help” me to cope with being the human that I am in this reality. ( we will get to that fact later) So, now that I have made it past the first week of no smoking, I think I might really make it to the finish line this time. I’ve been trying to quit for almost a year now. It’s been a bitch, lemme tell you.
I started to realize that my work, my testaments to the beauty of being alive and uniquely human, my art work was starting to suffer. (not alittle but a lot) My work has been suffering from poison. Poison thoughts, poison fears, poison foods, poison substances, poison pasts, poison people, poison world views. Is it any wonder I was aghast at my own current works?! Well, DUH!
I have been talking about freedom for two solid years, and I only now have begun to realize the extent of my own self imposed slavery. I was a toxic slave, living in a toxic world, trying to create art work that was not toxic to others or myself. Not easy to do! I still created plenty of work that I like, that I feel proud of…that’s good, but the cost to myself, the actual vessel of these gifts bestowed upon me, was so very high. I am sick, I am in pain, I am not well. I am not the healthiest person in the world, as it is. I have some major health issues, and the smoking and eating bad foods was not helping it was hurting. Just as if I went around being pissed off all the time, that would cause me to become something I am not…toxic emotions that like to pretend they are a human being.
I want to be free. I mean it, and not just free of the oppression of poverty, (something I am learning I may never get away from in this life) but really truly free. Free of poisons that will kill me, free of substances that cloud my reality and my ability to see the truths and paths ahead of me, free of the debt that hangs the poor like sacks from a tree, free of people who want my soul, my hard working back, my blood and bones and not my heart, spirit and mind too. I want to be free to love, live, learn and laugh. I want to be around for my kids as they age and grow. I want to not be in agonizing pain every single fucking day. I want to heal myself of these illnesses, the ones that are cutting my lifetime short. I will not live as long as most people already, why rush to the finish line of this life with so much left undone and unknown?
So, I took a stand, I let all my addictions go. Food, drink, drugs, smoke and fear. I’m keeping the sex though a girls gotta have some fun in this life.
So, now I’m freaking loony tunes. Send Help. I mean it.
I feel like I am freeing myself for sure, I also feel sick, I feel overwhelmed, I feel…I guess that’s really it. I’ve been protecting myself from really feeling, feeling down deep, feeling with out escaping. Letting myself hurt, letting myself heal, letting myself re-set.
It sucks and I want a drink, a smoke and some other fun stuff right freaking NOW! I want to forget it all. I want to not look at this life I lead, the one where there is never enough money, the one where buying enough food for everyone is a struggle, the one where my kids need winter coats and we can’t buy them. The world where so many people are living just as I am or on and with even less. The world that makes me want to drink, smoke, screw and eat it all away.
I want to be able to stand in the fire of what I know is coming, help to bring my people, my family and friends through it and then some day…to rise above it.
I can’t do that if I am dead. So, I am freaking alive, sober, smokeless, and internally clean as a whistle. I’ve never felt better or worse at the same time. I am painting in the studio, I am shaking my money maker all day, I am talking to 100’s of people a week, doing my day job as a clairvoyant life coach…and I am helping and loving all these people, yet I am falling apart because of it? Nope not anymore, now I am just freaking A sober, smokeless and clean as a whistle…I am now just looking forward to actually being able to enjoy this life…this existence and to enjoy it fully and not just fake it. I hope we get to the fun part of this ride soon, because it is sucking donkey butt right now.
Bring on the good times, bring out the dancing girls, bring out the food and wine and smoke! Bring on the party, this BAD! Kitty is tired of being so dammed good.
Have a great day, thanks for reading my rant, and let us know what you are sick of, what is pushing your buttons, what is yanking your chain…and what you plan to do about it too. Maybe we can all lean on and learn from each other…what a concept!