OMFG! or how I hate to have to re-learn stuff

beasty

Above a journal sketch…

Ok, so for the last two weeks…I’ve been really busy. I really quit smoking this time, and I started a cleansing program for my internal organs and systems. Cleaning the pipes so to speak, cleaning out all the toxins and crap I put into my body in order to “help” me to cope with being the human that I am in this reality. ( we will get to that fact later) So, now that I have made it past the first week of no smoking, I think I might really make it to the finish line this time. I’ve been trying to quit for almost a year now. It’s been a bitch, lemme tell you.

I started to realize that my work, my testaments to the beauty of being alive and uniquely human, my art work was starting to suffer. (not alittle but a lot) My work has been suffering from poison. Poison thoughts, poison fears, poison foods, poison substances, poison pasts, poison people, poison world views. Is it any wonder I was aghast at my own current works?! Well, DUH!

I have been talking about freedom for two solid years, and I only now have begun to realize the extent of my own self imposed slavery. I was a toxic slave, living in a toxic world, trying to create art work that was not toxic to others or myself. Not easy to do! I still created plenty of work that I like, that I feel proud of…that’s good, but the cost to myself, the actual vessel of these gifts bestowed upon me, was so very high. I am sick, I am in pain, I am not well. I am not the healthiest person in the world, as it is. I have some major health issues, and the smoking and eating bad foods was not helping it was hurting. Just as if I went around being pissed off all the time, that would cause me to become something I am not…toxic emotions that like to pretend they are a human being.

I want to be free.  I mean it, and not just free of the oppression of poverty, (something I am learning I may never get away from in this life) but really truly free. Free of poisons that will kill me, free of substances that cloud my reality and my ability to see the truths and paths ahead of me, free of the debt that hangs the poor like sacks from a tree, free of people who want my soul, my hard working back, my blood and bones and not my heart, spirit and mind too. I want to be free to love, live, learn and laugh. I want to be around for my kids as they age and grow. I want to not be in agonizing pain every single fucking day. I want to heal myself of these illnesses, the ones that are cutting my lifetime short. I will not live as long as most people already, why rush to the finish line of this life with so much left undone and unknown?

So, I took a stand, I let all my addictions go. Food, drink, drugs, smoke and fear. I’m keeping the sex though a girls gotta have some fun in this life.

So, now I’m freaking loony tunes. Send Help. I mean it.

I feel like I am freeing myself for sure, I also feel sick, I feel overwhelmed, I feel…I guess that’s really it. I’ve been protecting myself from really feeling, feeling down deep, feeling with out escaping. Letting myself hurt, letting myself heal, letting myself re-set.

It sucks and I want a drink, a smoke and some other fun stuff right freaking NOW! I want to forget it all. I want to not look at this life I lead, the one where there is never enough money, the one where buying enough food for everyone is a struggle, the one where my kids need winter coats and we can’t buy them. The world where so many people are living just as I am or on and with even less. The world that makes me want to drink, smoke, screw and eat it all away.

I want to be able to stand in the fire of what I know is coming, help to bring my people, my family and friends through it and then some day…to rise above it.

I can’t do that if I am dead. So, I am freaking alive, sober, smokeless, and internally clean as a whistle. I’ve never felt better or worse at the same time. I am painting in the studio, I am shaking my money maker all day, I am talking to 100’s of people a week, doing my day job as a clairvoyant life coach…and I am helping and loving all these people, yet I am falling apart because of it? Nope not anymore, now I am just freaking A sober, smokeless and clean as a whistle…I am now just looking forward to actually being able to enjoy this life…this existence and to enjoy it fully and not just fake it. I hope we get to the fun part of this ride soon, because it is sucking donkey butt right now.

Bring on the good times, bring out the dancing girls, bring out the food and wine and smoke! Bring on the party, this BAD! Kitty is tired of being so dammed good.

Have a great day, thanks for reading my rant, and let us know what you are sick of, what is pushing your buttons, what is yanking your chain…and what you plan to do about it too. Maybe we can all lean on and learn from each other…what a concept!

Heather

http://www.badkityartstudio.com

8 Comments

  1. jafabrit
    November 13, 2008

    HUG!!!!!!!!!! Heather what a heartfelt post and I wish I could give you a hug and remind you of what a beautiful person you are. It sounds like you are overwhelmed by too much in so many directions.

    I am not at a stage in life where I am getting sick of anything or easily getting buttons pushed. Part of that is having to learn to let go and accepting what is is meant to be and I just have to work around it. Okay, the driver in front of me is slow, my biscuits aren’t burning, it isn’t the end of the world. Okay, my back won’t allow me to swing from the chandeliers, but I can walk. Okay, so I don’t get the grant, but I can write another one. Okay so my work doesn’t sell like hotcakes, and galleries aren’t clamoring to have my work,but I can still create art and use the street as my gallery. Okay I can’t spend money traveling back home, but I can cherish the memories of home and find little things that comfort me in times of homesickness.

    Oh well such is life!

    You are a jafagirl in heart and spirit, hang in there.
    love corrine

    Reply
  2. jafabrit
    November 13, 2008

    okay I lied, paypal is getting on my nerves, I need to get one (as per required for my artwork in an exhibit in miami) and I spent two hours faffing with the stupid thing and ended up getting nowhere and canceled the account before i even started. There I got that out of my system.

    Reply
  3. Ivan Chan
    November 13, 2008

    YES!!!

    Best wishes on your journey towards freedom, Heather!

    Celebrate progress and not perfection. We’ll be right here celebrating with you!

    Hugs,

    I.

    Reply
  4. badkittyartstudio
    November 13, 2008

    Oh Corrine, you so get it, you understand my plight! LOL
    I so appreciate you, your work, your words and the heart/soul connection too. You so freaking rock…Paypal is demon spawn, cuss a lot and then it will work right. If you need any help at all, I will totally help with paypal, I’ve been with them for almost 10 years now, and have had to change, figure out, call and scream, cry, beg and plead for it to work, at this point I am a paypal expert and I am willing to help anytime, just give me the high sign…I’m your girl. How’s your son’s eye doing? Are you feeling better? I say a prayer for him every single night. (and for all our in service people, we are Marines in this house so we know what it means and what it takes) I adore you Corrine, your art work rocks my world, and you as a person rock the planet. Hugs right back atcha! I try not to gush over you too much because I don’t want to be creepy, but in all honesty your art has inspired me to work harder and try to become the best I can be. It’s your work I turn too when I need to understand or discover. It’s your work I feel the most connected too when I view it. It’s your work that keeps me inspired to continue on my own path, you have influenced me in ways I can’t even begin to fully know yet. You are my favorite living artist. OK, nuff said.

    Hey Ivan! My man, where you been? I am super glad to hear from you friend! Thanks for the kind words…and I’ve got to go over and see what you have been up to of late. Thanks for stopping by!

    See it’s like this, when we share we grow. And when we get stuff off our chests, we feel better…when we feel better we do better, when we do better we become more confident. It’s all good…so…
    what’s going on in your world? Tell me. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Kalliope Amorphous
    November 14, 2008

    Yes!

    I am sending you heaps of white light, sparkling, smiling love.

    I quit smoking three years ago and am so glad I did. I tried and tried for the longest time, and nothing worked. Then, one day I wrote a letter to my soul about it and put it in the mail. By the time it came back, I had quit for good. I also quit drinking when I moved from New York a few years ago. (–drinking like a fish, that is-I still enjoy me some red wine!:) I did the whole nine yards, physical/emotional detox and it wasn’t pretty going through it, but when I came out the other side it was like being birthed into who I AM.

    Life conspires to make prisons of these body-vessels, but we are always breaking free. Don’t be too hard on yourself. By merely living, we are dancing with duality. What a beautiful, horrible, heart-breaking beauty it is.

    *HUGS*

    Reply
  6. jafabrit
    November 14, 2008

    oh my I think I am going to cry blush! thank you!

    If I don’t get things resolved with paypal I will email you next week, thank you for the offer of help. I really appreciate that. arg! it can’t be that complicated but it has reduced me to feeling like a total blibbery blobbery incompetent.

    I get it, I used to LOVE smoking, in the car with the music blaring as I sped down the highway, in the studio as I mulled over a painting. I love leather knee high boots, and being on the edge of naughty. I enjoy a night out with the gals having a bit of a booze up and i LOVE food. I have two angels on my shoulders, the naughty one and the pragmatic one and usually the pragmatic one wins out LOL!
    I have felt the anguish of being a mother of a marine (he is out of the marines now) during war time. My new anguish is him getting shot in the eye. It is slowly healing Heather, stopped hemorrhaging,swelling is down and the daily strain of using it is decreasing. He comes home from uni overseas in a month and then we can see for ourselves and see if he needs further help with it.

    Yes, dancing on the edge of duality, I like how you said that Kalliope. So true.

    sending my love and support on your journey

    Reply
  7. gypsy-heart
    November 15, 2008

    Good for you! I think you will do it this time!

    Sometimes I think this is all just madness anyway..but we might as well be clean to experience it to the fullest!

    Just keep creating your magical art. That is one habit we can’t do without, for it feeds the soul, and helps us sift through the madness! 🙂

    Reply
  8. Dorian
    November 17, 2008

    Oh, I know exactly what you are going through. My husband and I had a similar discussion about cleaning the soul yesterday. Be strong!!! I am cleaning my body so I can free up my creativity.

    Reply

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