BAD! Kitty Art Studio ~ New ART ~# 9 in ZaadZ series

Quote for the day too!
***
“An educated man must have a lot of “curiosity”; in exploring the unfamiliar and unexpected, an open-mindedness in entertaining opposing points of view, tolerance for the ambiguity that surrounds so many important issues, and a willingness to make the best decisions he can in the face of uncertainty and doubt.”
~Derek Bok
***
Each of these “little” works in the ZaadZ series, has been a huge learning experience for me.
I decided to make a series about my ZaadZ experience, and all that it has brought me in the last three years…Awareness of myself, and the importance of my relationship with my inner self.
Life moves so swiftly, daily circumstances change, and perspectives bloom, like so many lotus in the night.
My “topic” for each work has started very randomly, depending on the feelings I was experiencing at the moment, that day, that minute what I was working with and through…Like flipping through the pages of an old family photo album…co-mingling the pain and joy and honor and character and abandonment and fear; into these works of a REAL LIVE Human Being.
This work, “willingness” is really important to me for two reasons.
I am still learning the
importance of
Willingness to really BE
living in the moments of my real life.
I am stubborn, sometimes I just don’t want to do “it” anyone
else’s way…Allergic reactions to not being the boss of me.
I have always wanted to not be “in” control of anyone else, but more I wanted to feel less “out” of control with the people in my life.
That means letting go of the idea that I know
anything about anything,
that my high IQ, well educated, gray matter…
means nothing.
If I am not using it in a a way that brings that circle of love, the higher vibrations of my core being, back to the source….Myself, then I must find a way to live With the circumstances of my daily existence, being flexible and made of Steele
at the same time.
The second reason this is an important work to me:
I find that in reality, this one that I live in and wake up to everyday, that I am totally out of control of everything and every person, outside myself, even my children, my spouse, my friends, my family.
I keep saying to myself everyday…”Self, you have to survive this time frame in reality.” Then I go and look at myself in the mirror…I look into the eyes, my own portals… that usually are used for seeing, but hardly ever used for being seen…I am already surviving this set of circumstances.
I continue to wake up every single day.
This is not a test run.
I am not a spectator of the race.
I am not the Queen of the Universe.
I continue…But until using these words, these images, this old throw- away goodwill canvas, while not thinking but feeling my way,
through the KNOWING
the Understanding
that I have not been willing to really
let go of him, of myself that I see in him, of my need for him in my daily life…I have not really been willing to let it happen….I have been in survival mode.
Survival mode is a cooked up, fancy side dish of auto pilot, heading nowhere but a place that doesn’t hurt, and that isn’t dangerous.
Of the better understanding I can’t procrastinate this reality, away to another place…I am still here.
I can…I mean look, I have been…I am human.
When I worked in these words…When my entire being was engaged, This little collage came together from the scrap pile…That too is a form of Auto Pilot…But one that works in my back brain…One that I discover,
uncover,
recover,
the part I was looking for.
The perfect tool,
the right key…
to unlock the mystery of how to be a duel being…
how that it is a freaking, no-questions asked fact… That
this is mine,
this is my life, these are my children, that is my mate, this is my living space, this is my work, this is my passion,this is how I discover I am real.
I can’t expect that any of my expectations for any of my children
will be fulfilled by them.
I must set high expectations for them as they grow, or what good am I doing them…I have a job to do here people, like…Well this is an example:
Our family morning mantra is this:
Who are we?
Brown-Truman’s!
What are we?
Winners!
Why?
Because we never give up!
Are we perfect?
NO!
Why?
Because We can’t be perfect,
we can only be our BEST!
We say this every morning on the way to school, the little ones sometimes into the chant, sometimes not.
I am no cheerleader, but a wise woman once told me…
(and I say thank you Roberta)
that raising children IS a FORM
of
Brain Washing.
We wash in the light…That’s all that we can do.
We are Programming for Whole Living Beings at the end of this phase of their own journeys…While they are here and into it…Programing for courage, faith, Love, Honesty, Loyalty…The building blocks that we have to hand down.
We have a family motto too:
Brown-Truman’s
We Don’t:
Lie, Cheat, Steal, or Hurt others on purpose, when we make a mistake we try our best to right the wrong, we always protect each other, we will always love each other and none of us is perfect, and we ask for help from each other when we need it.
***
Last night, the youngest watched a few minutes of the National News, before we caught it and turned the channel.
In that short time, he saw the graphic bloody remains of the War, and discovered the Bird Flu, and heard of three new failed local attempted kidnappings of children.
He is 7.
Later that night, I was summoned to the boy room, by a crying terrified little one, who was scared that he was going to die or be killed by terrorist, or never see his Older brother again….
Overwhelmed and panicking, he was crying and scared.
I’ll be Honest right here…
I was flat tired.
Another…Long hard day working to make my 50.00 dollars a day that I have to figure out how I am going to make, anew each and every freaking non stop day…(if I am so smart then why ain’t I rich syndrome) I was just flat tired.
When the call came in…The SOS, I need help… I was more than Willing.
Willing to stop what I was doing, sit on his bed and talk honestly and live through his first real panic attack.
He is 7.
We talked about the Bird Flu, in scientific terms,
the germ is mutating, and it is going to come on the wing of migrating birds and land in our country,
this is true. It has not mutated to a human to human transmission, and that is what they are trying to prevent from happening.
This is true too.
We are all going to die, in our day, in our time, we will all die.
This is true, a fact for everything that ever lives.
There are bad people out in the world, that are sick and not really fully human, that want to hurt little kids, and there are terrorists, and there is a war going on that makes people look like the pictures he saw…Tissues, blood, bone, death.
These are truths too.
Now…This is the Brown Truman Plan to survive all those things and have a happy life anyway.
Then we laid those plans out, and they participated in giving ideas on extra steps we could take…Overall it was 45 minutes of myself and mate man double teaming the both of them, being honest, direct, and answering every question asked of us, simply and with as much truth as can be administered to the brains and emotional states of my 7 & 8 year old boys. Even the ones about their brother…Which we really can only give stunted answers and guess, because we don’t really know what happened, but it has happened, is happening and we are making it through and we will continue.
I have done all these things with the oldest as he grew, as well, if you want the straight shit go ask Mom, he knows it…That’s part of why he has gone away, he no longer wants/needs the straight shit…He has to find his own definitions to this life now…He demands it and I can not stop him from doing it.
***
Well, he made it through it, (the little ones) I should say we made it through it and
this morning they were their normal selves again.
We laughed about the suck-fest moments…They really suck.
Yep, that’s for sure.
But we would see what today brings,
and do our best, with what we are given and what we can create.
I am understanding that I am willing, to do many things that I don’t want to do and do them very, very well.
I am willing.
I will continue, so will we all…I mean you are up reading this hella long post right?
So everyday above ground is good, and to be made the most of.
Come what may.
I understand Willingness fully now.
I say Thank You.
Let it be,
Heather/Sybil Ann
To read the magical quotes that are on this work, go to my web site they are on the front page, and much easier to read.
Thanks for being here!

2 Comments

  1. pinky
    March 22, 2006

    you are beautiful and i love you every day i’m alive.

    Reply
  2. HMBT
    March 22, 2006

    Thanks, you know, you have been such a surprise in my life…arriving like you did, from the mist, to appear and help and love and heal…you are really a wonder! I appreciate you more each day, and I know it’s more than you like my work…you SEE me.That’s special, and I say thank you.Love, Me.

    Reply

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