Quote for the day
There is an ancient tale about a king who wanted to pick the wisest man among his subjects to be his prime minister. When the search finally narrowed down to just three men, he decided to put them to the supreme test.
Accordingly, he placed them together in a room in his palace, and on the room door he had installed a lock which was the last word in mechanical ingenuity.
The candidates were informed that whoever was able to open the door first would be appointed to the post of honor. Setting themselves to the task, two of the men began to work out complicated mathematical formulas to discover the lock combination.
The third man, however, just sat down in his chair, lost in thought.
Finally, without bothering to put pen to paper, he got up, walked to the door, and turned the handle. The door opened.
It had been unlocked all the time!
Sometimes the simplest answer to any situation is mystifing approach to most problems. I have been plagued by over-thinking…Over-thinking my role, my ability to control others and their actions, Over-thinking my own inner state of mind and not be sucked backwards into an older version of myself, one that has always survived, but was always a victim, and carring a huge cross on my back.
I am no victim, not to my present situatuation,
not to my ability to go back in time and change the past,
and not in my sleep/rest time…Which means with the nightmares I’m having, getting up early, and trying to find a place of peace in my own head.
I have had the worst month on record, I don’t think that the depression could get much worse yesterday…I thought I might just be really diving off the deep end…Overwhelmed by simple facts of life.
I have never been able to just sit and think without action. It makes me feel crazy inside.
So, I took action, trying to make myself feel better, and show my true intentions and love for my oldest child.
I went last night to see my son, now that I have found out where he really is. I spoke openly and with sincerity to the kind people who have kept my son in off the street. It’s cold and raining here all the time, so I was worried about his health.
He had led them to belief that he was “unsafe” at home, and so being a kind and loving woman…She took him in.
I thanked her and her family for that.
I also said it was NOT OK with me that he was staying with them, but that I appreciated their caring ways, and I apologized to the family for bringing negative energy into their home.
They were so kind, and understanding, and the Mom was so very sincere, it made me feel little better, and more sad too.
I did ask why they were letting him stay there.
Her answer “because we like him, he is vey good boy, and helps out around the house and is very helpful in general.” Nice to know that I raised him well enough to know that if you are going to be a MooooCH then you should at least pitch in around the house, to keep your mooching in effect…and it’s a great tool of manipulation…”see hoe good I really am? My parents are such Bitch’s, they don’t appreciate me, and they are “unsafe”. See what a really great person I am, don’t you want to take care of me?” Emotional Manipulation 101.
I would be too, if I was getting free room and food…I did ask from one Mother to another, would this be OK for your son to do, to leave home, come to my house and not let her know where he was or if he was Ok? How would you feel, if your son said he was going to be gone for a few hours, and never came back home? She didn’t even think…She said she would call the police, she would worry herself sick, she would be scared, she would roam the streets, she would find him.
I explained that I was feeling all those things, right now.
I also apologised again for bringing turmoil into their home with my presence…That was not my intention, I had heard that he was looking sick from one of teachers at teh school, because I have to call and check if he is still alive by calling everyday to see if he is still alive, or in the area, so because I needed to lay eyes on him, as his Mom….I went to see him. He was fine…Not sick, just hungover from whatever partying that he had done before going to school. So… he is an ass, but fine.
I came home feeling better, like I had done something about the situatuation…It didn’t last long. He still won’t come home, he can smoke cigarettes there, he can smoke pot there, he can come and go as he pleases, because he is a guest, not their child.
So he would not come home.
I left without shedding a tear, all though that was really hard to do…The Mom said “it’s ok to cry, you are upset, let it out.” I looked at her, and then across the room at my son, and said “no, it’s not ok for me to cry, I have shed my last tear for you, you get no more of my tears…Because it means nothing to you. I’ll not waste my tears anymore on someone who can repeatedly hurt me and his family so much with no compassion or honor for your own Mother, or little brotjers, or your family that loves you in general.”
From now on Jordan you get what you give.
If you give nothing, then you get nothing, if you cause pain and hurt to these people who love you, you will be treated as a threat, or an aggressor, I will protect my home, and children and self from you from now on.
If you keep asking me for things but offer nothing in return, then I give nothing as well.
I can’t stop loving my child, not ever in a million years, but that does not mean I have to like him or his heartless actions.
I control only me, last night I controlled only me…
I went with intent, a little frustration, and a lot of humility.
That’s the last I had to give. I am tapped for this Human, this baby I grew and spent 17 years lovong and protecting and wiping away every tear, going to doctors, you know good Mom stuff, we all do for our kids.
I control myself, my reactions to the situations in my life, I lost sight of that for a few days there.
So I STOP Giving, before I become so empty that I have nothing left, for the other people in my life or myself.
I’ll Not give up…No never.
But trying so hard to save/rescue/love someone who resents me for those very actions, no longer has the same power it had over me as it had before. No more Guilt about waht I could have done better, what I could have done period.
I am a Mother, I am not perfect, I am also Human.
I love him, I wish him the best in his life path, and I release him from my expectations to correct his behavior, or my expectations for him as great of a Human Being, that I still trust he can become.
I release him.
I realease me.
I release….Over thinking…
I will just try the handle of this door and see if it opens…
if it does not, that does not mean I failed. Just means I need to try another key.
I ask my (inner) guide Sybil Ann to speak to the spirit realm, and ask for guidance…The report back was from a spirit I have become very close with over the last year or so…a young man name Mark, who died in the late 70’s, because he refused to listen to or obey his parents about driving in an ice storm…he did it anyway and that caused his death.
He told me yet again…”Let the boy run his course.”
So… let it run…And try not to think about it every second of everyday.
Because I have work to do.
I have a job, a home, a mate, two other small children and furry people that need/love/support me, and for the first time in my life, I think I might actually have a couple of REAl grown up female friends, that keep sending their love and support…I have never had that before, so it’s hard to get used to.
I finished my patchwok Self yesterday, see teh the post below for pictures.
I felt better after it was done, and it was something that I have never really done before as far as materials used…but I like it, it feels right to me.
I am starting a new painting today, as Friday is my day off from the day job at
as SybilAnn…so I paint…I have a old song in my head I can’t get rid of …
“I wan be sedated….”
yours in the moment,
secure in myself and knowing I have done that all I can do, and I did it to my vey best ability, the rest…I’ll try to let go of the rest…
Yours in the effort to let it go…. so I may grow, and allow others that I love to grow and learn in their own ways.