BAD! Kitty Art Studio ~ Portland Oregon ~ Artist Blog


BAD! Kitty Art Studio
Quote of the day
***
“This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy.”

Susan Polis Schutz
***
Doing and not talking is something I am learning to take very seriously. It’s interesting to me that the more transparent my life becomes, the more emotionally private/safe I feel.
I think less, and do more.
Well….I don’t really think less, I probably think more now than I ever did in the past…It’s a jumble of Old Stuff, and New Stuff, and What if Stuff…I guess the biggest difference in my thinking processes is now I really think, & I get so anxious somedays I want to scream sometimes…Have a hissy fit…Get Bitchy…Throw heavy things that have a satisfying breaking sound when they hit the wall.
The fact that I never lived a life prior, where it was ever OK for me to do any of those things…get mad…yell, scream and throw things…I was a lady…So the nicer I get…The madder I really am.
Well trained to mask my true inner feelings…And pretend…Molten lava running through my guts, anger, pain, fear, anxiety, the surface of my skin glossy and unmarked by the heat just under the crust of fires past…New land built over the old.
I still battle with anxiety, depression, self abuse…And I battle it by living with it,
embracing it, loving it…For the struggle of my spirit to break all binds…The a sign of a real life, within.
I fight against the old stuff with my focus, intentions, and actions. The universe conspires with me, everytime I do the right thing…Instantly. That’s OK, your belief in these miracles, my blessings, is not necessary for them to continue…I trust it now, I trust me.
If I get overwhelmed by my inner turmoil, I create, go for a walk, talk about it, ask questions, write, make an action plan, set goals, and move baby, MOVE on them. Even when I choose wrongly…I just jump now..Into life, into action, into the chaos, into the pain, into the love…Both feet in.
It becomes fuel…I speak my mind these days…Not always a brownie point winner, and definitely not in the etiquette classes I took as a young woman…Grooming…It’s all social bullshit.
Gender isn’t an issue as much as we make it.
Human beings have feelings, Human beings are fucked up, Human beings hurt others. Male and Female…Being brought up in the deep south, and being well groomed, I learned how to be a diplomat, a server, a slave, something that would be owned by another human later in life…Some Man’s Wife and breeding program.
Because of my gender, and life experiences with other humans thus far in this life…I find that the most destructive force in my old self…The skin I still shed, is that I was plagued by the deadly disease, that most crippling of all emotional follies…Being an easy going personality.
I used to say yes, all the time.
I used to say, OK…It could be worse.
I used to make excuses, justify, tell lies, dismiss.
I don’t do those things anymore.
If I am unhappy, I share it.
If I don’t want to do something…I don’t do it.
I don’t expect Mate Man to keep me happy.
I don’t expect my kids to please my every whim.
I don’t excuse bad behavior from anyone anymore, in private or in public.
I didn’t just become mega bitch one day…It’s not anything like that. I just started saying no to a life of service where I never felt the service circle come fully round into a object that containes love.
Reality is Perception.
Yes, I said it backwards…But it’s true.
Now I say no to people, places and things that make me feel badly about myself, or place me in really uncomfortable situations later.
When someone hurts me, I say ouch right away.
When I feel there is an injustice being done, publicly or privately, I throw myself into the ring.
Money isn’t everything…I turn down clients all the time…WTF!? You all say…You turn away business? Yep.
If I don’t want to do it…I don’t.
The people I do decide to work with…It’s not because I like them or not…It’s about talking and actions taken. Put your money where your mouth is…I will give every single Human an opportunity to show themselves or not to me…I will work with the stubborn, the willful, the system buckers…The abused, the confused, the beaten down.
I will not work with someone who thinks I am the next
Adkins Diet for their emotional health.
I can’t make them happy…They have to want that for themselves. If there is no desire for real change…A thirst for new knowing…Then there is nothing I can do for you.
You have to come to this life with at least one thing
that marks the spot
that is you.
I will work if you do too, but I am not offering a quick easy
sweating to the oldies
program here.
If you want a better life, I can help you get one…If you just want to lose 10 pounds…Replace this blog with two bowls of special K…It’ll be gone in a week.
If you want a life of meaning, you have to first be a Human of meaning
definition
character
motivated to becoming more.
I am an imperfect Human who had spent years
being in a coma…A walking, talking, breeding, sexing,
coma patient.
“The sleeper has awakened”~ Dune
It’s true.
You can’t unlearn stuff when it’s that true.
***
So today I practice, I continue to work towards my own personal goals…And continue to be the change I want to see in the world.
I continue,
therefore
I am.
Where are you today?
Yours in the moment today,
Heather

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