BAD! Kitty Quote for the day!
Yia sou (Ya-soo) (informal), yia sas (formal) ~
(they both mean Hello in Greek )
This morning the clouds are dark and brooding; a storm is moving in…the lumpy and fast moving grayness gives me motion sickness when standing still and looking up for my ray of light.
Reality sucks, and I can’t take a vacation from it so it is the main cause of my stress.
I have like four million things going on in my head all the time, but this morning it’s at a fever pitch…I had bad dreams……Art, work, my kids, the house, people’s health/needs, my health/needs, the state of our Great Country and it’s (excuse me if I offend any of you I don’t mean too) DUMBASS leaders…if you are not living in America and reading this… we are not all like G.W. Bush….or our current body of elected officials.
We are NOT all Sheep-people.
I am worried about the reality that my Oldest will be leaving soon for his new schooling/life skills building adventure…and he will live there…Coming home for weekends and holidays. My baby is basically going away to collage/boot camp…he will probably not ever live with me again…maybe he will but not as a child, he gets out of the program when he is 18, I have to learn to let him go, he wants it, he is demanding it, and I love him enough to let him find his own way….Learns how to see around the corners of life is best learned thru trial and error for us hard headed types.
I am worried about weather we will all make it through the stupid, money/things oriented holiday, without too much thought wasted on material desires that we can not have. We live in an area where the Median family income is WAY over ours…so my kids get to hear about the grandparents, and extended family’s gifts and excitement around the holidays from their friends. It causes me a lot of grief having to tell them no, all the time about the “things”….And people/family/friends we don’t have.
Trust me when I say…7, 8, and 16 year olds do not care that it is better to have less crap/bad people in our lives today…So we can make/create/cherish all the Healthy LOVE and Family that we can. They just want some freaking Grandparents…And extended family and friends that used to be family that recently just disappeared (thanks SO MUCH “Aunt” Stephanie you have made the years birthday’s and holidays… So much harder because of your selfish act of abandonment, how do you explain to a seven year old…It’s not you Honey…It’s her, I’m sure where ever she is she still loves you, I don’t know why she isn’t speaking/interacting with us anymore…After being at your birth…And every birthday/Holiday of your entire life…After being the only extended family this household ever had…After being the “Aunt” that made us seem normal to/for society…Or for that matter how do explain that to the 16 year old that has had his Special Birthday DAY with AUNT Stephanie for the last 13 fucking years or the 8 year old that has never not had an Aunt Stephanie? Huh? HOW? Thanks you selfish bitch for making that one of my daily chores this year)…they just want them/you…like children will often do…they just want to “be” like everybody else…Thanks you stupid fucks…you all suck, you make the holidays special that way every year…but this year is worse with the loss of the “Aunt”.
I am stressed about the economy, and what I see happening all around the world with regards to the wealth and poverty ratio’s, and the apathy that surrounds the issues of Poverty, wealth distribution, conformity, economic slavery, and the simple facts that we are all HUMANS so what does the rest matter?….it’s greed, money,power…Addiction.
It certainly isn’t the state of the Human condition…that’s not really on any Super Power’s top ten list these days…
I worry that even though I am feeling stronger these days emotionally…that the dreaded icky’s of old shit will creep up and snap me on the ass with a wet towel…or catch me running around the corner with an unexpected blow to the head (that was part of my dreams last night, repeated over and over….from age three to 16, I had to re-live an episode from each of those years, one by one…like a movie that can’t be turned off….my Father in all of his loving ways… had a thing he liked to do called “Jarring our shit”…he would yell or whistle for us…like he was mad or wanted us right away…I should say me here… my little brother only had it happen to him a couple of times…and then he would wait behind the corner of a wall or doorway and while you are heading full steam down the hall to get to him…he also had time requirements as far as when he spoke and we responded…I should say me again here…he would stick his giant freaking hand out of the dark and catch you right in the forehead with the palm of his hand…it would snap your head back and make your brain rattle around…Sometimes knock you out…and he thought it was the funniest thing ever…he liked it when my eyes rolled up in my head as I fell backwards…I always sat up with him laughing hard and saying “you should have seen your eyes roll up! HAHAHAHA!”…That’s the freaking memory I woke up with…Nice huh?
Father dearest…Even though you may not ever run across this blog in your life…You may never read it…(Even though I do post ads for myself in your hometown…And I know I run he risk…Hell you can just type in my freaking name in googol and get three pages of info about who I am, and where to find me…So I know you are all out there…freaking cowards…I AM NOT COMING TO LOOK FOR YOU ANYMORE…and I can’t care if you look for/find me anymore either, I take my power back….You all suck…Father…Bio-Mom…Step Mom…Stephanie…Nana…Aunt Connie…Aunt Bonnie…I still burn inside about you all …And bio-Mom (and her related kin that rejected me and abandoned me because I was part of “him”…Like I had any control over that…You asshats)….Just in case any of you ever come across this little gem of self discovery…Just FYI…I am an Orphan Now.
That goes for you too Step-Mom (with the one exception of gratitude that I will always feel for/to you for helping me that ONE time in 96, although I paid for it in the end didn’t I, me and my kids paid for it penny for pound…Didn’t we?)…And Grandparents (with the exception of my PA, who always made me feel loved by him, when he could) and Aunts…But NOT my Brother…If you ever read this Michael…I will always have room (guarded but still available) for you in here (my heart)…But as for the rest of you…you were all in a tragic plane crash years ago…I am free of all your shit, you are dead to me.
I don’t ever want to in my mind or heart, ever be able to let myself “think” or “feel” like I need to ask any of you for help, I don’t WANT YOU anymore…Weather it be (me asking for or needing) love and support, understanding, what ever I have ever asked for in my life…Fair and otherwise…I don’t ever want to be told “No” by any of you again.
I will never be left by any of you, or used/exploited/manipulated/controlled/abandoned by any of you again…Because you all passed away in an instant…Killed instantly…You never knew what hit you, that was my act of forgiveness to/for you…In my mind… When you all passed away…YOU did NOT feel ANY Pain. That’s my way/act of forgiveness…That’s the best I could muster/do for you all. What does that mean about me?
I awoke this morning thinking…Oh, OH…Bad day ahead…Feeling shaky inside…Feeling the silent screamer….How did she get out again?….Feeling the anxiety of bad dreams that are not dreams but memories…Feeling like I’ll never be able to forgive them…Feeling like that makes me a monster…A smart monster…Feeling alone and scared and worried that I’ll not be able to make it through being alone and having a family to create/build/keep at the same time.
Feeling like I can’t possibly do it again today…I can’t possibly face another day of the grind, and tedium, and responsablities that never end. I can’t possibly be accountable today.
I could not remember the most important thing….Until now.
Until I lanced that boil with my words….Until I disclosed some truth about my family of birth and choice…Until I told them in black and white (remember what you used to say all the time “Dad“? “The world is B&W Heather…There is no gray”…Fuck you…Bullshit…Not only is there gray but there is a whole freaking rainbow of colors you narrow minded asshole).
Again sorry to use such crude language this morning to those who offend easily…But they deserve it, really, really… They earned it, and I need to get it OUT.
My anger aside this morning…Anger for having the regular everyday…ORDINARY life stresses that all of you have too, in varying stages/forms…Along with those terrible dreams of my past….And my back and joints being in total spasm, and I that I am tired, and I am burnt out…Everything else is great.
My hair looks terrific this morning, and even though I started my monthly “curse” as Nana called it…my skin in flawless. I also have maintained my diet…Meaning I make myself eat everyday (I have food issues…Eating causes IBS (PAIN)…Which makes me not want to eat…ectera) and lost a few more of those unwanted pounds. My ass looks freaking great these days too. I’m a hot Mama.
I also have managed to make it through this world for 36 years…and I am not crazy, evil, mean-hearted, unable to take risks, or too scared to get out there and mix it up. What do I have to loose? What are you gonna do? Not read this post because of it’s yucky feelings today? Turn me off? Not like me?
I’ll still be here…Healing myself and others, still painting and creating my life the way I want it to be (or as close to it as I can get), still living, dying, growing, learning, struggling….Changing.
What you think of me or don’t think of me does not
impact the way I feel about me, anymore…I am a warrior.
I am pretty freaking great.
I know it. That’s That.
You wanna Dance with me?
Sometimes it’s a slow waltz, seductive, charming…Sometimes it’s so crazy fast I give Pop Lock/speed metal/Lord of the Dance… a new name…But I offer you my hand anyway…May I have this dance?
That’s what I remebered with this post…I am still willing/able/ready to DANCE, which makes me a miracle, and special…And I love me and my kids may know pain in this life, but they will never know the pain of abandonment/exploitation of themselves at my hands or anyone else’s from now on. (They have never known it from me, but we were recently left by a family member of choice and they are in pain from “them”).
I am the Seeker.
I am here,
Alive…And full of real honest to goodness, 100% organic..
I’ve still got it baby.
I’ve still got it.
Universe…Bring it. I can handle the old bullshit…It’s old, over and done…I feel better just telling some of the secrets today…They don’t rule my mindset now that they are out there…Real, tangible and most importantly on the outside of my head.
Universe…I survive, it’s what I was made to do…Bring it. I am not afraid to LIVE/FEEL today…Sometimes there is no gain
without some pain.
Universe, just give me the courage to stay upright in today, and do my absolute best in every moment of today’s real reality…I am me..The theory of One…One Whole, unbroken, in the Present MOMENT HUMAN Being…
and you silent screaming pain in the ass *note to inner self*….Shut UP! GO TO YOUR ROOM and STAY there, you think you know it all…You know nothing and you are just a stupid-head, and you are never RIGHT!
Yours in growth and truth and fear and mind bending freaking real-ness today…
*wondering what the Universe is going to make of this post*