It’s so nice of you to drop by like this, I wish I had known you were coming…I would have spruced the place up a little first. How is it where you are today?
I dreamt of windows last night…Open, closed, close-up and far-away. The only thing that I thought was wrong about the windows in the dreams were that there were lights on behind them…but I never saw anything thru them. The faculties were empty…. still inside….and full of light.
This quote came as close to describing what it felt like in the dream…I was not outside the windows looking in…No one was looking out of any of them…But yet I never felt sad or scared during the dream….Just content…I was happy to see all the different places/buildings with a “light” on inside…
That’s me today…Full of light on the inside. On this day before America’s Thanksgiving day…I am grateful for the light that spills forth from my fingers, gray matter, and soul…I am grateful I have an inner light on at all…I do. A freaking huge, triple beam spotlight…It feels like this morning. Do you feel it too? Can you see me?
Becoming grateful for the “rights” in my life is a new thing for me…I have been all my life an optimist…But this is different…It feels like I am a magnet…Drawing more light towards me all the time…The stronger I grow, the less I worry about the “things” that need “fixing”…And I am learning to trust myself more…I am still working on the Faith in Myself thing…You know, that’s not really true…it’s not really Faith in myself anymore…I have been able to narrow it down to the fact that I don’t always feel confident about my ability to correctly judge the internal true character of other Human beings, and that lack of skill has lead down many a dark path. I’m much better at listening for the call…the red flag on the feild…the cues about people and life…you know? I have also discovered that my night vision is becoming better and better as well. Feeling my way…crab-walking when need be, listening to the wind and the messages it carries…smells of the unknown.
I would be considered one of those well intentioned do-gooders…that’s ok by me these days…it’s OK if I am 36 and still gullible and a little naive about these types of things. I accept the truth about myself better these days…warts and all.
I used to think it was me, It was me that must be wrong, because everyone I have every really known…and loved, except for my Mate Man and kids…has left me at one time or another….When I was younger, I used to equate that fact (that people will abandon you, no matter how important you are/are not to them…we have all been left at some point) with how much personal worth I had…I must not be so great as they said all those years/days/months…after eating their fill, getting healed, being loved, or whatever these types of people are looking for at the time…they will leave.
When your giving outweighs your internal “getting some back”…When you are the one that has to do all the thinking, planning, contacting, healing and repairing…and shoulder the blame when it goes wrong… (your soul-utions to the current situation) when it’s ok for the other person to have needs, desires, problems….needy needs, weaknesses…imperfections… and you are not allowed to make any mistakes (be imperfect) and you find that you are on the fixing it end of life…when your soul-utions work well and everyone is all healed up (or seem to be anyway)…or whatever, fill in the blank…your tops…big double A+…but when you are needy…wrong…again fill in the blank…and those same people don’t give what they got…Unconditional love….they tend to be (for me in my own experience) apathetic towards you….like they have a knee-jerk reaction; an allergic reaction to the obligation part of all “getting”…the give what you got part…they abandon, and sometimes on the way out…they try to make you hate them…so you won’t want/need to come back…you’ll hate them, and therefore relive them of their obligations to give back a little of what they were given…because they won’t come back, most of the time…there are the rare few that have made the journey back to my doorstep (internal and literal) so far none of those people that came back into my life….have ever maintained the relationship…and we would repeat old habits…Patterns…Cycles….And basically do it all again…ending the same way.
That is why I think I am a little gullible, and naive sometimes, because for the most part, I let everyone one of them that did re-connect with me… back in…it seems I am usually willing to give it a go…I seem to find myself to willing to give, give, give…Excuse, help, dismiss, justify, solve….only to be left again. I think it hurts worse the first time round, just because you get a callus over the spot…but the second, third…and so on tries…tend to be internally destructive…for me at least. (see posts about the internal silent screamer…some call it esteem, foresight, precognition) Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson…Warning!
The Window represents to me (as symbol) that part of myself that is willing to always leave the light on, so they (you) can find me in the darkness, open the portal, see into the truth of me…my perfection/imperfection…Usefulness and needy-ness….and love me for/because of it.
It also is a symbol of fear for me…cat burglars, emotional pick pockets, addicted to control (open/closed…Blinds up or down)…and places where I am transparent…see thru…Vulnerable.
It is because of this duality…the fear and freedom… of the image Windows calls to my mind…that I find them compelling. It is this reason that I use them so often in my work as well. Often there will be a hidden window in a work. Sometimes if I am really lost in the flow…I hide them from myself and can’t see them till I run into the closed glass…read…finish the work and step back.
I love that art is now my main therapy. I love that I can now go into myself and the studio….and throw open windows left and right and create…not re-create…but create, build something that makes my emotions tangible…real… something others can “see”, touch…feel. My creations therefore become the windows that I see thru as well….finding myself…Discovering the why of this life, these circumstances, this reality that I find myself in.
I am grateful to be able to look into my windows…(and out of) and find that after it all hits the fan…there is still a light on…in every window of my inner and outer being…today…I don’t mind you seeing the vulnerable…the heart beating behind the glass…I don’t mind you seeing.
I am not afraid of lies beyond the pane (as in window) as much anymore…because there always has been, and ever shall be…a glow… on which to light my way….no matter where I travel (inside or outside my head) I am always going home.
Be careful this Holiday…be grateful for all your strengths and successes…and good parts…and let the light shine in/on. Be grateful for the lights shining in your life…and if you don’t feel like there is enough illumination to safely navigate the rough waters…Look to the west…I’ll leave a light on for you.
Best of days to you, yours in Truth… Heather