“On a cold winter’s day, a group of porcupines huddled together to stay warm and keep from freezing. But soon they felt one another’s quills and moved apart. When the need for warmth brought them closer together again, their quills again forced them apart. They were driven back and forth at the mercy of their discomforts until they found the distance from one another that provided both a maximum of warmth and a minimum of pain. In human beings, the emptiness and monotony of the isolated self produces a need for society. This brings people together, but their many offensive qualities and intolerable faults drive them apart again. The optimum distance that they finally find that permits them to coexist is embodied in politeness and good manners. Because of this distance between us, we can only partially satisfy our need for warmth, but at the same time, we are spared the stab of one another’s quills.”
~ Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)
Being me and I am finding Art kind of the same way…artist/people wanting to ban together, people of course can’t really handle “together” very well, so more often than not, It’s a few meetings here or there and then it’s over with at least a couple of people pairing off and becoming friends. Finding and keeping friends as an adult is harder than I ever thought something so seemingly simple would ever be. I mean… I like
p-nut butter…you too?! Let’s be best friends! It’s not like that anymore…it’s not about commonalities…it’s about the question; can I stand the pokey parts of this person, as-is, to want to continue trying to be around them?
I am really picky…I hate to be pinched or poked…and so friendships have been hard to come by. I have never been one of those women that can have casual friendships…I don’t commit to long term relationships easily…I mean you want to get into my pants…That’s an easy one…Well not that easy, I may be the BAD! Kitty…But I’m really like so vanilla, granola; a sluty prude when it comes to sex…but if you want to get into my head…or even father my heart…I got better than Fort Knox protection going on in there, now let me tell you…that’s another story altogether. I have high expectations of the people I let in…I know they do of me as well…It’s about who I REALLY am…I am charming…I can charm the damn birds from the trees….But that is my protection, my skill set, not really me. The real me is the spirit driven, not easy going, wound tight as a spring most of the time, creatively OCD, problem solving , and reporter grrrl.
I am really a fierce woman…I mean it takes some brass to hang out with the new me…I shoot from the hip these days…I mean I’m no Bitch…not even close…but because I am a Hero/healer energy type and my formal education (yup I went to school after all, thanks to my own Moxie…not the government or my family…yup that’s a snub to both/all of them)… I know it’s hard to tell with my style of writing sometimes) is in two areas: Biology sciences & spiritual, theology (all of them….more philosophy now then where I started from, I am no expert…but well schooled and still learning)
I have a tendency to fix things, and people. So, I figure it’s a skill that is similar to what The Trump must experience all the time….why do people really want to know you? What is their motivation…with The Trumpanator, its obviously money/power…but me…Little old me, well it’s to fix the little things. The Broken wings of peoples lives. It’s hard to know when someone is looking, with their hand out for help, if it’s because they really are “that into me” or if it’s because they want fixing. If they want fixing, then the relationship revolves around them, their drama, their dilemma, their past baggage that justifies their current behavior, their addictions to gossip and dirt (wanting to know all about me and my very dramatic and colorful past and growing up…I mean buddy, bring a lunch), their need to be needed, or wanting mothering. Those always end up with me holding the short end of the wishbone. All I wanted was a friend…most of the time, it’s the “disposable” friendships that I find. I am a person who feels the pokes of people too well/easily to want to go out and be poked half to freaking death, just so I can find the one (or many more) that has/have the just right quills. I’m lazy/tired, and jaded too.
I am not experiencing that feeling so much these days…when you live in the moment, and shoot from the hip…people have a way of avoiding, or sorting themselves in/out of your life for you. I recently went down to Knowing NO One other than the people that lived under my roof. these days… after blogging about it,(for the first time being really me…), because of the art and my “other” work…I now just tell people what and who I am…I then let the people sort themselves. It’s easy. Being all of the “me’s” at once is hard to manage…the hats, you know….guide, healer, artist, business woman, Smart Human Being That Is Plugged “in”.
I am a psychic…so…what are you gonna do with that? I am an artist…so? I am a Healer…so? I am Smart, and Sarcastic, and charming and sexy, and funny…so? I am a Horticulture Expert…so? I am also a non registered, non practicing Medical technician…(just below LPN)…I am all those things…so? If you like the arty farty me…you can buy that…it’s all over the web….if you like the healer side…well …there are outlets for that too…let’s see…got a flower bed that needs fixing, a marriage that’s falling apart? What can I do for you? All of it….and the funny thing is I WANT TO! I just don’t want to feel poked, prodded or shunned anymore…I mean really folks, you think I can walk around shaking people’s hand’s saying hello’s…and when asked , “what do you do for a living?” Just imagine the reactions I get when I say that I am an Artist and a Psychic. I either get fearfully shunned, made fun of, asked a squibillion questions, hid from…or any and all combinations of those in a mixed crowd…Respect…I don’t get any of that…but if you need fixing….where do they come? Perception…is reality.
So…in general society I have learned; I leave off the parts that are “offending or places of negititive emotion for either party” and get on down the road. Thing is… I have taken personal risks lately with Real Humans…started from the beginning being real honest…and they didn’t freak or try to “use” me! And I can help and do all my “stuff” because if I can’t don’t then I am not being fully really myself in any given moment, I give freely all the time, because it feels right to me…not to make you love me, or stay near me…but it’s part and parcel of who I really am…Authentication of me…and it’s all ok too! OMG…you are out there…I should write a freaking book…what blogging has done for me…a Personal Testimony by Heather….to be continued.
I just don’t want to get shoved away when I get “done” fixing or trying to be helpful. So being honest, in the moment, and real about boundaries….has let the people sort themselves…I have friends again…I have the comfort of friendship…my call was answered…thanks Universe! (BTW the Universe needs like a personal assistant…a PDA or something, because as the Queen I need better/more insant access….where do I pick up my Backstage Pass to the Universe again?…Oh there it is…on my neck stalk…hehehe…)
But the point is…I have finally figured out that I can handle a little poking…Because there ARE others out there looking for the same. “socializ-ation staves off depressive episodes”, or so my Doc told me, recently…She was right.
Go poke around…to be loved, be lovable (Ovid)…to see change…change (Buddha one among many)…to be my friend…strap on the seat belt…It’s going to be a bumpy ride…(Bette Davis)
To be real…my life is running ahead without me…must go, will get the art of the day up soon.
Cheers…To Being real…and just-oh-so-pokey!