“Each thing that exists remains forever, and that very existence of existence is proof of its eternity. But without that realization, which is the knowledge of perfect being, man would never know whether there was existence or non-existence. If eternal existence is altered, then it must become more beautiful; and if it disappears, it must return with more sublime image; and if it sleeps, it must dream of a better awakening, for it is ever greater upon its rebirth.”
~ Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)
Well, this morning when the eyeballs sprang open, with great force and artistic insight. I sat up only to realize that my body (poor sweet, humble body that it is) is still Freaking sick. (damnit!) so my gray matter pushes the mud upright and gets to it.
I have had a few interesting emotional days, days of discovery.
How do you map the interior? I mean sometimes I feel like my brain is booby-trapped. I’ll be cruising along and BAM! here is a little crisis of faith, or a old memory that was better left buried, or a SMACK! of grief.
Living in the moment…means that not every moment is good. That sometimes it’s a big long poopy string of moments…and that it is supposed to be that way.
The quote for today (up there) is working on me in two ways. I am alone, and not alone all at the same time. The things that happened to me in my past are real, and not real at the same time, I am dying and being re born all at the same time. Time isn’t what it used to be for me anymore. If you think in terms of quantumness (my new heatherism…like it?) then the little girl, young woman, and grown adult are all at the same time real and not real. I am down to the cellular level, different than the past me’s…I will be down to the same level different in my future me’s. So this bad spot in the road must be my equivalent of a birthing canal. I will be different when I am done processing this bit of information about my self. I will be better because, I am NOT reliving that SHIT! I mean holy hell, I already did it once…WTF?! I am not going to do it again. I blindly go forward…Proudly blind. I am the NEW ONE…I am the awakened…I am my theory of ONE. I can only do what I can do. What do I do in those moments when I don’t have/know what the next step is? Sometimes I just sit…that’s it…I just sit and don’t think…bio-feedback is great for that. I also paint, draw, write…Sing. Anything to give my body something to do with all the interior shit that is going down, behind my eye blinds.
What is the purpose of physical pain? To tell the silly body to stop…or as a way to focus the body’s attention…when I was little I got a splinter in my toe the size of a small nation…I thought I was going to die before I would let anyone pull it out. I screamed and thrashed about….my father holding me down yelling at me to be still or he would whip my ass…and a little girl at the party we were at came over and PINCHED the living shit right out of me. I mean I had a bruise for a week…I was so astonished, I just stared at her and yelled…at that moment her mom (at the other end of my wild thrashing self) yanked out the thorn in my toe. Surprise! Pain is a great focus factor. I have had headaches for the last three weeks…ones that make me want to spilt open my on skull to make more room. I went to the doctor…she said tension headache…I’m like WTF?!
Yep it really is all in my head. I created the headache to distract myself from the internal pain of growth, change, information over load, lack of things to stress out about, being done with a bunch of “work”…ect. I need something to focus on or I’ll go nutty…I think.
So, hello headache from hell…no amount of medication will touch it…and I made them check, there is no brain bleed or tumors…shucks…it’s a tension freaking headache. And now the flu, but that’s a different story….Sniffle, snort.
So my point is this…I am both calm and chaos…I am all alone and so not alone, I can’t even pee without someone around…I am a terrific artist and a student of art…I am a human and student of life. Teach Universe Teach.
I am open to it….let me use this information, this growth, this birth contraction as fuel…to power the next turn in the road, the next hill climbed, the next event horizon. Let it be…I am dancing with my star…it burns…in all the right places.
I’ll be posting my latest journal pages soon, I have to scan them in. It’s all about time, and what’s become of me, and my possibilities that are unlimited…my right here and now. Not living from the suitcase of my past, or the hopes and desires of my future, but living in the now…my clocks don’t need hands anymore. I tell time by feel now….Blindly leaping every second from one to the next.
Have a good one all, Heather