OK The Monkey Got the ax so I have to find some other way



Moth Man
10/9/05
Journal page

Cracker Jack Mary to the far left
8×10 on canvas Vintage Cracker Jack Toys from at least 5 decades of Cracker Jack toys produced along with a vintage image of a woman from the late 1800’s. On Sale NOW at my web site, you jive turkey.
Go Buy it! Shipping is free to anywhere in the USA.

OK, now this morning I am feeling like I want to throw up. I have to get to work soon, so I can keep living this Artist Lifestyle…You know the one where you work your ass off and win awards and contests and get big shows…And still don’t sell any freaking art! I have had three years where everything I have worked to create has sold, and this year, I have won more awards and such than ever before…To have but three sales for this year so far. My Fairy World series is back at home, as well as all the other work that I have done this year, and well, it’s hard to walk around here, let alone make new stuff. So, I have been journaling a lot more to save space, and still get my creative ya-ya’s out.

I have been battling depression/anxiety for the last few weeks as well…I bet most of the people on the planet are doing the same thing. That last statement did not make me feel any better, because I really don’t care about the rest of the world today, I just want to manage my little world, and get through the sludge that is my life. My kids are great, my mate man is great, my dog is even great…It’s just me, I guess. It’s not that I am dissatisfied with my life, I just can’t find any joy in getting up and doing it day after day, without any results or changes taking place, you dig me? I mean WTF!? Am I supposed to want to get up and consult all day long and create lovely art, raise my three sons, take care of my home, pay my bills, and so on…Like an Organic Robot? It’s all just been so hard since Katrina hit, I can’t seem to shake the feeling of impending doom. I know some of this is from the recent loss of my one and only best friend of 14 years…I mean she’s not dead…she just up and decided not to “be” in my life anymore, just stopped returning phone calls, just stopped being “Aunt” stephanine to my kids, (my mate and I are Orphans…yes that means there are no family, no parents, cousins, aunts, uncles…nadda) she stopped caring. She has twin sisters that are older, they come from a well to do family, and well….her sisters started making babies…she was busy with all of them and us too, and I guess something had to give…she needed to be Aunt Stephanie to the “real” nephew’s, and my kids (7,8, and 16) were not blood, so we had to go. She was there for all but one birth, held them, agreed to love them and be God Mother, agreed to be a part of our family, a family of choice…that’s the only option we have at creating a family, so we thought it was a blessing, to have someone so special in our lives. Then one day after the middle child’s birthday last year, she called on the day, spoke to Mr. L and then we just never heard from her again. I called, I waited I asked what was wrong, I begged to be let in, I asked was it me? I called and said the oldest birthday was coming up (The big 16) and he really wanted her there…Nothing. We have had to accept that she is gone…What do I tell my kids? How do I explain that people can come and go…that nothing is forever, except this family that lives under this roof? How do I help them to understand it’s not them it’s her? How do I help them understand that it’s OK that we don’t have grandparents or any other family on Grandparents day at school? How do I make the school people understand that I don’t have an emergency contact? No, I don’t have any family, no I don’t have any close friends (anymore), no my husband doesn’t either….I know that’s weird, but what do you want me to do…shit some people for you? Just shut up and take my paperwork…just shut up. Being alone in the world sucks. So of late I have had both feet stuck in mudd, and I am trying so hard to get it up and move it on down the road. It’s just so hard today. You would think, after surviving unsurvivable cancer, and starting this new path, I would be happier than I am…I wish I was. I went and talked to a doctor, she told me I was about as mentally heathy as anyone she has ever seen, good coping skills, good reality checks, good asking for help…But she didn’t have any answers…No magic vacation pills. Man I need a vacation…BAD!
So sorry for the crappy talk this morning, I just feel defeated. I met a woman who seemed very nice recently, she is a creative too…looked at my web site and said (I built it myself) “well this is why you don’t have any sales…it’s not very artistic, it’s needs this and that, and well…It needs to be totally re-done.” Crap! I spent so much time, and effort getting that site up and going, it’s been a work in progress for three years, and up until the last 9 months has been a huge benefit in my work….I can’t afford to hire out my web design, I wish I could. Anyway…It’s what I have got for now, and I hope that if I just keep plugging away at this, (I never give up, never say die) it has to get better…Right?
that’s all for me, that’s enough isn’t it? Sheesssseh! later, Heather
Save a sinking artist today, and go buy some terrific but cheap right now art! For the love of GOD! **artist is now walking away mumbling to herself….***

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