Today is May 4,2004
I have been dreaming of sex
every night for the last week.
I wonder if that means I am getting
or too little.
I have been dreaming
of me and my mate
watching a lesbian
We have a great time with each
other and watch the “show”,
hey, it’s just a dream…get over it.
I miss touching boobs, just a little.
I was a lesbian for many years.
When I met my mate
I was dating a nice-ish
butch Lawyer Dyke
that liked her sex way
too rough for me.
Plus she was wacky,
not in a good way,
I was trying to figure out how
to break up with her
when Mate Man came on the scene.
Actually, my mate is only the third
Man I have Been Serious With.
(the other two were when I was A teenager)
I don’t generally find Men attractive
beyond friendship levels.
I have slept with a lot of both sexes
but men were only when I was really young
and trying to figure out the world, and
my place in it.
I was molested and raped
by both sexes as a child.
You would think that would
make me not want anything
to do with sex.
I like sex, now.
(after lots of Therapy… Thanks Doc!)
But Men do tend to
freak me out, in general.
(Except Faggs…I love Flame Boyz!)
I thought that women had to be
“safer” as sex partners,
for lots of obvious reasons.
Then I grew up and found out that I
was the one that was
because I sucked
at picking sane and safe partners
no matter what their gender.
Mean people really do suck.
When I met my now
Mate for Life
we were working at Brandon Hospital.
(that’s in Florida, for those who care)
I was working the graveyard shift
on the Mother and Baby Floor
and he was the graveyard
He is the best
Vampire I have ever seen.
He was the one that all the
straight single nurses were talking about.
I was trying to hide my sexual preference
from all my co-workers
Because the level of Bigotry
in Florida about Queers
is almost unbelievable.
(All you Southern Florida Dykes
Know what I’m Talkin bout, Yeah Sista
It Sucks in SwampTown bein A Queer.)
Being that I worked on a womans floor
it was so much more important
that no one know that I
was A Huge Flaming Dyke.
were so perverted!
Like I’m gonna think cleaning
up a woman after childbirth
was some kinda sexy.
None the less I needed my Job
to take care of myself and my
I was sent down to the lab
with a rush order on some
14 year old crack Mom Pee.
(so they could prove that she was high
and snatch her newborn baby from her)
As I walked into the lab
There was this big
bald, guy standing behind the counter.
There were so many overhead lights in that place
he looked like he had a halo
because of the lights bouncing off
his big ole bald head.
(I think Telly Sevalis was hot)
And I saw a ring of
light around his whole being,
He was glowing.
We exchanged pleasantries, but
he was not in charge of menial tasks
such as documenting,
the incoming crack mom pee.
So some chick stepped up to help me.
He says that as soon as I left he went
to the log book to find out
where I worked and
who I was.
That night he did rounds in
ICU and No-natal. Those are at the other end of
the Floor I worked on.
He looked Real Nice in the lab coat and scrubs.
All the nurses started talking as soon as
he left our floor.
He did make a point of finding me
(I was hiding in the back reading)
and saying Hi.
The nurses were in a tizzy.
He was trying to break it off
with one of the L&D nurses
at the time.
He had not looked for her
but he did find me
and everyone noticed.
Long story short
he started trying to find me
whenever we were on the same schedule
and he had rounds on my floor.
I thought he was nice,
but not like more than friend nice.
( I wanted to do him, just because he is hot,
but in the lesbian world,
good lesbians don’t crush on boys)
As I mentioned
I was a Practicing Lesbo
and not “Looking”
especially not for a Man.
(I had been exclusive to Grrrls
for more than 6 years at that time)
The nurses kept telling me that he would
make a great husband, that every one
of the single nurses
(that were not gunning for a doctor that is)
were trying to catch his eye.
That I should “go for it”.
(just as a side, the “nice guy” Label sucks tough
titty, because those “good” guys never get any and end up
with lots of female “friends”)
So, I started having breaks with him, and dinner
in the cafeteria and smoke breaks.
He is really very funny
and he tells the most terrible dirty jokes
(I didn’t like that part, and told him so,
I was a prude back then)
And He was just sweet and nice
It took some of the pressure off of me at work
to explain myself all the time.
So, he finally asked me out on a date.
I stood him up.
He forgave me and asked again.
I stood him up again.
But the second time I called
I was partying with a group of rich
And I felt bad about standing him up again.
I’m not a heartless monster, don’t you know.
We talked for four hours.
I finally told him why I was
standing him up all the time.
Because I don’t like boys.
He took it in stride, said he understood
and said that he wouldn’t
mind still getting together for
a friendly lunch.
I could even Bring my Son.
So, we went to lunch.
We talked, he was great with my son.
We talked about my life
(just a little)
(just a little)
and started to really get to know each other.
(still doing that getting to know thing BTW)
He said that he wasn’t concerned with me
being a queer, he just thought I was cool
and wanted to get to know me, even
if it was just for friends.
He has a hard time making real friends too.
So I was happy that I had found a friend.
One that I didn’t have to lie to.
Then he went and said something that
really changed my life.
We were sitting there,
Fried Chicken Salads and Beer
and we were talking about
(I had just escaped from my crazy dyke lover,
of five years,
and run away back home to Florida from Portland)
I was saying how I didn’t
want to be in another long term relationship.
I just wanted to screw around, conquer some chicks
and have some fun.
And He said,
Falling in Love is not
an act of Surrender.”
That may not mean anything to you
but at the time, it was pure
magic for me.
I thought about that for days and days after that.
Actually that moment was when I stared to recover.
I was in such a dark and tainted
I felt that I was
and bound to continue being a failure.
It was that moment that I
thought to my self
“Hey, now what’s that mean
and why did it have such a huge effect on me?”
I went out with him again.
After a Couple of un-dates,
I realised that I liked him
as more than a friend.
I told him.
He was glad.
It took 6 more weeks before I
slept with him.
I was nervous I wouldn’t like boy parts anymore.
So was he.
(scared I wouldn’t like it)
Let me tell you,
I still don’t find men attractive in that way.
But he rocks my world.
I mean really rocks my world.
Like OH LORDY GRRL!
He asked me to marry him six weeks later.
I’ll tell that story later.
It a good one too.
It took me three+
years to say yes. He waited.
We have been together for almost nine years now.
Married for 5.
I won’t let him call me his wife.
So we are mates.
That’s how he became Mate Man
and I am of course,
We cruise chicks together,
and I’ll only watch lesbo porn with him
(I still don’t like it all that much)
and we can talk about anything because we
are friends and lovers and parents
together, and we don’t have to lie.
I have been able to continue my recovery
from my past abuse
and not miss a step.
With him, beside me, always
and trust me thats not always
I am now a humanist.
I don’t really belong with the
queer population, anymore.
I miss them,
but they don’t want me because I’m
sleeping with a boy, it’s even
worse that I
And I don’t belong with the straight
population, because I’m not.
(straight in any way)
And The Bisexuals that I have met
have been swingers.
I am not, I am into monogamy.
The Drag Queens and
Transgendered folks have
always been open to my freakism
but how do you meet them in the real world?
Abuse survivors don’t talk, so how do I reach them?
So… where, Oh where, am I to
Well, it’s harder than it was in high school.
(I didn’t do well then either, My Dad Kept sleeping with all
of my friends, and teachers and all the single Moms of my
friends, that bastard)
So, I don’t have many social
It can be very lonely.
I wish this world was easier to fathom.
So, now you know even more about me,
how about giving me a little
info that is, about you.
Can you relate?
Are you Lonely tonight?
Have you figured it all out?
If you know any answers,
please let me know.
I guess thats all for today, folks.
I have work to do.
So I better get to it.
I’ll post what I get done today In
Works In Progress
I will be online at
8:00- 8:30pm PST, if
you want to tell me it all.
Just Today, Just Imagine
Growing in Truth,
P.S. I just finished reading and
getting approval to publish
this story from Mate Man,
I was just being all sexy and stuff.
(I read it to him in bed)
He laughed and liked it.
As I was being all saucy,
I turned around and tried to walk
real slinky away from him.
You know the one that goes
the walls are made of magnets
and your hips are made of steel.
I am good at this one.
He started Cracking up…
That was not what I was going for.
He came over to my now,
totally deflated self,
and pulled a long tail of toilet paper out
of the back of my pants.
I guess I didn’t notice that
the last time I was in there.
is the really funny one
“Oh Hot Grrl!
Wait! You do have a tail!”
I almost broke my arm
Just you wait Mate Man,
Just you Wait.
Today is May 4,2004