Mothers Day Part 1

Today is May 6, 2004

I will start with a run

down of my day so far

Because I know you are

wondering what exciting things

Will happen to me today

Right?

Well, I did get to do

something really cool today.

I met with the people that

I will working with on a

Mural with for a

Local elementary school

It is the coolest school I have ever

Been inside of.

As an Art Magnet School

There is art of every kind

And relating to every aspect of learning

On every wall, and filling

Every cabinet.

I saw Georgia O’Keefe

Relating to math

And watercolors done with

Different techniques

And mixed media, and sculptures

Galore.

It was very fun to be inside

a place that really

Helps nurture the creator

In us all.

I loved it, I wish

I could be there every day.

I’ll be working with some pretty

Great people

Big and smallish.

I get to work with

Four super cool kids

I met three of them today.

By the time they left for class

I just wanted

To cancel the day and stay there and

Paint or make something with these

Totally cool people.

I think I would have liked to have been a teacher.

But, I’ll see them again in a week

And we will start painting in 4 weeks.

That will be fun.

They all have really cool names too.

Lucky kids.

Then I came home and took the

Little one for a walk

In the sunshine.

That was great too.

That’s it so far.

***

I spent the day

Yesterday

Being very busy

And harried.

I was thinking about something

In my back brain that

Didn’t really

Surface.

One of those things that

chews

at you

But you don’t know what it is.

Sometimes when I feel that way

I’m really getting stuff from the people

around me.

I feel other people’s feelings

Sometimes.

I can shield myself

Pretty well from feeling/hearing the people around

Me, but sometimes when I

Am preoccupied or in a lot of

Pain

it gets through.

So I kept telling my self, don’t worry its not you

It’s the kids because of them

Going to the dentist for the first time, and

My mates not feeling so great,

Because he had to get dental work done too.

Or whatever else I could tell myself.

But the pit in my stomach continued to

Grow, and I felt increasingly anxious

For no apparent reason.

the day went on.

By that night I was crying while

Watching A kid Movie.

I was feeling despondent,

Depressed, and scared.

I just couldn’t figure out about what.

Of course, no one around me

Ever knew I was feeling weird at all.

I can have all kinds of things going on inside

And no one would ever know.

I learned how to do that when I was a child.

This morning while I was taking a shower

(Thank you universe for small miracles)

I was listening to the local radio station

And they are doing a contest for Mothers Day.

You have to write a Haiku poem

About your Mom and you’ll win this great prize.

For Her.

A lot of them were funny, and some just stupid.

I was laughing along with them

And the next minute I was

Crying

Hard.

It came to me that I always get kind of freaky

Around this time of year

Or any holiday that may have something to do

With Me.

***

I have sweat running down my back right this minute

This is making me nervous just writing about it…

What will you think? I don’t care

I don’t care if your reading this, I don’t care if nobody is

This is my story, I will tell it and be done

I will end this here and now…

Watch out… some bloody bits are on the way

Stop here if you want

I want too.

Just do it…

Ok

***

My Birth Mother is/was

(I don’t know if she is alive or dead)

Not a stable Lady upstairs

Or in her heart.

She married my Father

And had me when she was twenty years old.

I was born in September of

1969.

Summer of Love.

Not for me.

She left and divorced my Father

When I was nine months old.

I have one solid memory of her

From when I was a little girl.

I don’t know if it’s real or not.

I don’t know if any of my memories

Are real or not

Sometimes

I mean really

It gets confusing.

She had had a dream

It was a message

From

God

That told her to pack she and I up and backpack to California

(we were in St Petersburg Florida at the time)

So she could become a

Star.

Had To Become A

Star.

It was a mission

A message

From

God.

I’ve never had a message from God

It has to be pretty compelling

I would assume.

My father did not want her to go

(of course)

And told her, that she could not take me with her

(he thought that would make her stay, it had nothing to do

with me)

She left both of us.

I guess

(this is where I don’t know what really happened)

she tried to keep in touch somewhat.

Over the next 13 years

I never heard from her.

I guess my Dad didn’t want me to

get those messages, cards and letters

That she sent

(or says she did)

because I never got

any.

There was a Mystery Christmas box I remember

When I lived in

Tennessee

I would have been 5 or six at the time.

I remember a bunny hand puppet; you know the one that

was on

Captain Kangaroo?

It was one that looked like that.

Was there A Kermit the frog too?

I remember having a Kermit the frog at that time too.

Maybe she gave it to me.

I didn’t know until 10-12 years later that

The box

had been from her.

My father remarried when I was four.

That was mom #2 but #1 in my mind.

I’ll tell the story of mom #2 later.

It’s just as bad.

Probably worse.

Anyway

(I feel like I need a drink now

and I wish I still smoked)

When I was twelve

I was searching in my parent’s bedroom

For some handy drugs, Money, or anything really.

They searched my room all the time so I felt free to do the

same to them

Most of my drugs came from them anyway, and I was

running low.

I had customers at the time and couldn’t find what I needed

On the street.

Drug dealers can be a unreliable bunch.

I wasn’t, I was a great dealer

I thought about my customers needs

And I made a lot of money.

Most of them were adults.

***

Back to my story,

I found the huge bag of the pink hearts that I was looking for

(I think they were stolen from the local hospital)

and also

A little pile of pink cards, in the bottom of a drawer.

When I see pink now my skin crawls.

Inside the envelopes were letters from my Mom

I had never seen them, and it didn’t look like My moms

handwriting,

She is a lefty.

This had palm trees and little people drawn on it and talked

about

Taking me to Disneyland, and spending the Summer with

me, on the beach

in California.

WTF?

I remember sitting there and smelling the envelopes

My little heart racing

My mind swirling

Who was this woman?

Where did this letter come from?

***

When my Dad Remarried

He told me that Mom#2 was my real Mom.

I don’t remember that, I only have

real memories of my time after Mom #2,

So I had always just thought she was my

Mom.

I didn’t know she wasn’t

That there was another one out there

And she seemed nice

She wrote me letters that smelled pretty

She had pretty handwriting

She said nice things to me

She wanted me

I wanted to be her daughter.

***

I put it all back and never said a word, to anyone.

Later in the same year

My Grandmother, my brother, my cousin, and myself

All went shopping together.

My cousin was sitting at the table in a restaurant

We had stopped at for lunch.

While he was chewing away and swinging his legs

He turns and says to me,

“I saw your Mom on that Movie last night on TV.

She was pretty. You don’t look like her though you look like

Uncle ___.” (my Dad)

I said, “what? My Mom wasn’t on TV last night, you stupid

head.”

“Yes, she was! I saw her, your REAL Mom! She had blonde

hair and she was pretty!”

“You are an idiot, you little turd, you did not see my

Mom

on TV last night, now shut up!”

My grandmother made us stop talking and eat our lunch

And you didn’t argue with my Nana.

So we ate.

When we got home, Nana called my Dad

And My Aunt.

And there were behind closed door shouting

matches between people in the family.

And No One said A word to Me.

My Dad Came and got us Early From my Grandparents

House.

We were supposed to have stayed the weekend.

I got some real nice new clothes though.

I don’t remember what happened after that.

I know we went home,

I know my Dad and

My Now I don’t know who the Hell you Are

Mom #2

Drank and More

I remember being really scared.

I woke up that night

And in my dark room

Someone

(a man)

Was sitting in a chair in the corner

in the darkest shadow.

I could hear him talking to me

real quite voice.

Almost couldn’t hear him, it was so low.

He didn’t know I was awake.

I don’t remember what happened after that.

Except for one sentence

“you won’t remember

this in the morning,

when you wake up

you will feel

relaxed.”

The next morning I

remember

the huge Dog we had

being sent in to

Wake me up.

My Dad always did that, he thought it was funny.

My 150 pound dog would jump on my

bed and painfully walk around on me

Scratching at the covers and my skin to dig

me out of the comforter.

While my Dad stood at the door

And Yelled “Get Her Sam!”

Then I have another big blank.

Head injuries do that to you.

***

At sometime

I decided to talk

to my cousin again or I talked to someone else

I can’t

Remember, really.

I just remember the

information.

My Aunt and her family had watched a pretty famous

(at the time)

Movie on TV.

And they had recognized my Real Mom in it.

Because of the stars that were in it, they were really excited.

She (Mom #2) had the only other female speaking role in the

movie (Besides the female Star).

They felt like they knew some one who was famous.

They waited till the end of the movie

(it’s a really long one)

And watched the credits to see if it was her.

It was.

She did not use a

Stage Name.

They had talked about this in front of my little cousin

he had asked questions

they had answered them honestly.

Thanks to my Aunt that’s how the truth had come out

About my Mom

About Me.

My Mom was a

Real Movie Star.

And she had written to me

And she really wanted me

She was the only one who did

Who wanted me.

So after I found out the truth

The family talked about it a little.

My father said she was a

crazy woman.

Who had left me?

Because

she got a

call from

God.

He told me he met my

(Movie Star)

Mom at a party,

That she had been high on LSD

That she was spitting on people

From the tops of doorways

(I don’t understand it either)

That she was crazy

That he was protecting

Me.

That I acted just like her

] sometimes

and that couldn’t be allowed

because he was protecting

Me

From

Her.

He had always taken care of me

and my Mom #2 was my

Real Mom Because she had taken care of me

All my life.

And my Real Mom #1 had disappeared anyway

since she

Had made that movie.

And No one knew where she was.

She was lost

To

me.

Wait!

I thought to myself

there was a return address on the letters

I wasn’t supposed to know about.

So I decided I had to find

Her.

Within a matter of weeks

I had devised a fool proof

Escape plan.

I stole my grandfathers van

Early in the morning

I was almost a 007 secret agent.

I had the shortest girl in school join me.

We went the wrong way

Heading for

California.

We crashed the van.

We got arrested in

Mulberry

For shoplifting

powdered doughnuts

in a gas station

across from the

cop shop.

My father and Mom#2

Had not noticed

that the Van or I were gone yet.

They were to hung over

That morning

from the drugs I had put in their

Drinks the

night before

so they would sleep

I had work to do.

I changed all the clocks

in the house

they got up

late.

I was in Mulberry.

The cops

called my house

and woke them

up

They came to get me.

Mom #2 slammed my head into

The dashboard all the way home.

About 20 Miles.

My Dad Beat me with the belt

Buckle End

Until I bled

A lot.

I screamed so loud the neighbors called the

cops

They came and talked to my Dad

Outside

He told them what I had done

They went away

Left me there.

I stopped screaming after that

Because I knew it wouldn’t do any

good

Anyway.

And if they came

It would get worse.

So I learned all about being in pain

And keeping quiet

And still

And

Quiet.

When the swelling went down

two weeks later

I went back to school.

I used a lot of drugs

never went to class.

My father hated me.

And told me terrible things at night

In the darkest shadow

Of my room.

When he thought I was

Asleep.

I never made it to

California.

I wouldn’t meet my Real

Mom #1

Until four years later

When I was 16.

Until my Father Really

Was done

With

Me.

***

Mother’s day is great.

If I can stay in the moment

And remember that this day is about

Me.

I don’t have any Mothers now.

Neither of those Moms had really wanted me then

And still don’t

Today.

My father still wants me

For His use

And

Needs

But don’t ask for anything in return

ever

He doesn’t give

He just takes

His Needs Are Always

First.

He is the King of Nothing.

He used to tell me that,

He would shake his empty Bourbon

Glass at me, the ice

Hard

tinkling

and boom across the room/house/yard,

“I am the king of nothing, and you are my pawn, go make

me a drink!”

I would always make a double

Even when he didn’t ask me too.

I was always waiting for him

To pass out

Or leave town

or

go to work

Just be gone.

Mom #2 too.

I am a good bartender

I know just how to make a rum and coke

And bourbon or whisky

So you will be asleep in two drinks.

I never drink

Anymore.

My Father

Is

Dead.

***

Mothers Day is hard for me.

Every holiday or event

That is supposed to be about me

I freak out.

I don’t want too anymore.

This story is my way

Out.

There are no more

Secrets

For

Me.

I am bringing out the skeletons

dancing with them

Bony knees

hard kisses

Fingers in the ribs

I’m going to nuke

Those

Sons of bitches.

I don’t want to ever go back.

***

I have not seen my Real Mom (#1)

For 14 years.

Last time I knew she was living here in puddletown.

I have an Aunt here too, a few of them and an Uncle

And grandparents.

They don’t want me either

No one talks to me

It’s too painful

For

them.

Big old family

I don’t know any of them.

I can’t remember their last names

So I can’t find them.

I did spend some time trying

To find my Mom #1

A couple of years ago.

I just wanted to know if she was

dead

Or

not

I kept telling myself.

I stopped when I realized

I didn’t know what she would be like now.

It scared me.

I won’t live in fear any more.

If they wanted me they

would have found me.

Cowards.

I’m done looking for people who wish

I had

Never

Been

Born.

Wanting them to

Love

Me.

***

So I do feel better, and I made it though

at least a small part of the story.

That’s what this is about anyway

Me

Surviving, succeeding, breaking the

Chain

Pain

Bonds

Ending my own torture.

Taking back my

Power

Of Control.

I never wanted to

Be a

King.

***

Just today, Just imagine,

Growing in Truth,

H

Don't be shy!