Moon Notes from the archive

Socrates: “Know thyself.”

Emerson: “Trust thyself.”

In my mind, those four words come close to a complete philosophy on how to live.

Add a fifth word: “Love” and I think we might just be there…

Try it out. Let me know what you think.~ Brian Johnson

As I “flesh out” into this new skin of mine, I am thinking of the past and how I have participated in my own tragedies. We all have conflict, issues and moral dilemmas. Practically everyday there can be some new and horrible thing to add to the plate of life. I have always hated changes, even good ones tend to stress me out. That meant staying in situations of all kinds, sometimes it was good, most of the time is wasn’t. When I changed my perceptions of how I see myself in this skin/society/universe I was granted nerve endings to the outside of my numbed existence. What in the heck does that mean? I had been abused, neglected, lied too, manipulated and all other victim like things my entire life. Told what I was and where I belonged by so many unqualified people along the way. The day I decided to listen to one internal voice and called that one me, I became a ship on a vast ocean, free…freedom only means being alone sometimes. I am alive and am now ready to truly live in a world filled with change. Bring it on, I can find beauty in everything, I am the seeker. I accept all changes that lay ahead, dear universe, it’s me Heather and I am ready. This is my magic, let it be. I look forward to what happens next, life with out dread, I am the seeker, what lies beneath are the ashes of my former self, what lies ahead is a path unknown, uuummm, let’s see, I’ll take the path. I am one with the truth of myself , I trust myself, I am free. H

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A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today. – ‘Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.’ — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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I have always felt misunderstood, by my family of birth, and all the people that followed. It used to make me feel alone and sorry for myself. Until I started paying attention to my “shadow” on the wall. Then when I had correctly identified myself and my true center, did I start to be understanding and also to feel a little more understood. My “shadow” is still elusive sometimes and I try to keep a bead on it. When my life is chaotic and wild (as it is right now) I remind myself about those great people who have felt this way too, and I gain the strength to carry on with my important work. Self awareness is not a catch phrase of the day, it is the path that all of the great teachers tell us leads to true comfort and happiness. You just have to be brave enough to endure being misunderstood on your way. Speaking truth is much harder than it sounds, speaking “hard words” is one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn how to do. I can now say No when its needed, and also tell the truth of a matter when that is the correct thing to do. Lying used to be a lifestyle, it was convenient in its evil. I thought it made things easier when lies have never done anything to improve anyone’s life. So stop lying to yourself first, then start on the rest of the world. I am living in this truth with all of you today. H

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Well today is the 30th of March and I was able to keep to my deadlines and we have almost completed our families move. So to all my regulars…hey ya’ll I’m back. I returned from one weeks absence to 100’s of emails…whew, if you emailed me and have not heard back from me, you will soon! (As soon as I find them that is:) I am back at my own desk, writing to you from my new studio loft! I have wonderful light and space here. I now will be able to create some much larger works! I posted the inspiration above for today, because I found that this is now a working truth for me. You know, when you are trying to change something about yourself or working on self improvements, sometimes you are just ‘fake it till you make it’. Well then one day you wake up and that thing (whatever it is) is suddenly no longer something you have to ‘work’ on anymore it is or isn’t, and its simple, it becomes a truth. Well being flexible has saved my bacon more than once in this life, but this type of flexible is something different, more of a spirit/soul/expectations flexibility. I have had some major life changes recently, all of them will eventually be for the best, but getting there isn’t going to be an ‘E’ ticket attraction. Working with this set of problem/opportunities is taking a lot of internal flexibility, on my part, so that it will all end up OK in the end. Maybe even beautiful. Moment to Moment being aware of who I really am and want to be. Remembering my own personal code, and being responsible for all of my own consequences, good and bad. Being responsible for my own happiness and fulfilment. Do you have more time all of a sudden, get a new something, grow another arm, you ask? No, I am living in the moment, being truly present in everything I do, big and small. The thing is that this actually takes more time than I ever thought it would. I parent differently, am a different mate to my partner, a better and more understanding friend, a whole different side of my creator spirit is coming through now and I feel genuine all the time now. When something bad/unwelcome happens to me today, I feel it! I live with it till its gone, and then it is. Simple and easier now that I have done it a few times…but I don’t have to worry about what I am doing all the time watching everything and missing nothing. I can live in this moment and leave it there when I move to the next moment and so on. No baggage. No Drama. No twisted thinking or logic. No lingering garbage. More joy. More energy. More love. (Heck More Great Sex.) More Passion. More Me. I am glad to be here right now (when ever that is for you), happy to have shared this moment, grateful you have shared it with me. Life is not easy, fun or cheap. Life is Change, Growth is Optional, Choose Wisely.

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Today is the 1st of April, 2004. Well, life comes full circle for me regularly now. I understand this quote because I have only recently really learned what love is.

I understand love, give love, receive it, and share it. I have figured out the ‘good for me’ love and the ‘run for hills screaming’ love. I understand what it means that every tool is a weapon, it just depends on how you use it. I understand the power of love, and its ability to heal any wound or sickness. I believe in love today, I think I should have and give as much as I can in this life.

Love is also the bitterest of pains, at times, and the needle still sought for in every haystack. I don’t want to know it all, but I am grateful for what I have and I think it so precious and vital to my life now.

I was raised by people who never could see the forest for the trees, and who didn’t even love themselves so how could they show that to me? Manipulation and Exploitations were easier and far more entertaining and beneficial to the evil people (non techie term meaning family) in my young life.

I then grew into a young woman who reproduced an offspring, looking for that perfect love, way too early in my life, to be any “good” at parenting responsibly and perpetuated the cycle…at first. It would be sad if it had ended there.

I met this woman who seemed to be OK with who I was, (good and bad parts) and every time I turned around there she was telling me that I could do, be, love anyone or anything. When I was an ass she called me on it, and loved me through it. I gave her teeth, truth, and unquestioning loyalty, and she gave the gift of unconditional love. I was 22 years old before any human being ever showed me love. She has evolved into, and still is today, my closest friend, and my only (outside of my household family) family.

With that seed I have grown into a whole person, I am a great Mother, (not perfect! Just confident and flexible) friend, mate and society member.

That sword has lain me bare to the bone many times, it will happen again. I welcome that. Each time I rise from my ashes, clean and new, I come closer to that state of being that I am looking for. Each time I take the harder path and push myself beyond my comfort zone emotionally/spiritually I am happy that I did it when it’s done. I welcome the blade in my life, its better this way for me.

I was so lonely before, lost, addicted, scared all the time… and now I am filled with joy at the life that abounds around me. Drug free baby… they can’t bottle this juice, it comes straight from the magic inside of me, the good stuff. So heres to opening our hearts and souls to each moment and to the potential our lives hold.

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Today is the 2nd of April, 2004.

I have enough chaos for the both of us today. I am working on this one today…my studio is still in shambles, I’m not caring today. I can’t find my favorite brush and where the hell is the wing nut for my table…whatever, I’ll just move this over there, Oh nevermind…I’ll just paint right here on top of it all, I don’t care anymore! 12 days without painting, I think I’ll perish if I don’t fling some paint soon! I am pent up and tired, stressed out and did I mention Tired? I am dancing with my star today, are you?

Embrace that chaos within you!

Try not to fight the pain. Try to embrace it.

Relax into it a bit. Smile. Know you’re growing and that it’s this chaos that gives birth to our dancing star…

Dance.

Boogie-oogie-woogie, that tapping sound is me baby….dancing my heart out with a big old poop eating grin on my face!

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“Fame or integrity: which is more important? Money or happiness: which is more valuable? Success or failure: which is more destructive? If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.”

~ Lao-tzu, 6th century bce Chinese philosopher, founder of Taoism

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Today is April 5, 2004. I read this quote this morning and decided this would be a good place to start this week. What am I looking for with this work, this life? Well, there are few ‘things’ that I want for in this world. I don’t desire or need fame, to feel successful in my work. I sometimes battle with severe insecurity about what I have decided to do with my ‘working’ life. I am self-taught and sometimes when talking with other ‘artist’ I worry about my lack of technical knowledge, and skill. Then I remember…I don’t want to know the rules! I live by my own rules and regulations. If I knew all the rules of the painting world, would I still be as happy as I am when lost in a work? Would I feel that pit in my stomach go away just as fast? You know that pit that tells you the world is watching/judging you? I somehow don’t think so. I paint because I have to, not because I want to create something perfect. I don’t want perfection, I want something real. Even if it’s only real for me…perception is reality, right? This is my path, I create what I feel, and I don’t need the confines of lessons, rules, and formal education. I don’t need anyone to like it, for it to be healing me. All I ‘have’ to do is work. If someone else sees, or feels what I am doing and it resonates with them, then that is a bonus. I do this for me. I understand that there is nothing lacking in my work, or my life. I am who I am, and I let the world be what it is. I am living in this moment, true to myself, this isn’t for you, or even about you, or my ‘career’ this is for my freedom, and my peace of mind/body/soul. So, in that vein, this world is mine, and I am successful every time I am brave enough to claim it. I am the master of my internal ship, I guide the way, my spirit is my shinning torch and I see the light. I am the seeker; I shall see it all within my reach. I am fulfilled and complete, and frail and human. The dichotomy is perfection; the bumps in the road lead me to future growth and knowledge. I accept myself for who and what I am, and I love me…I don’t need more than that. It is a wonderful gift that I don’t have to love me all alone, I have others in my life who love me too, just the way I am. What a blessing, that is, what a gift to be grateful for. But, I complete myself and they are my bonus. I am responsible for my own happiness and I am responsible for maintaining that happiness and growth, no one else. There is nothing lacking, I am where I want to be at this moment, I am sane, happy and whole. I have a wonderful family and a great friend. I work at something that fills me with passion and excitement. What more is there?

May the world be yours today.

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I forgive myself for hurting others along my path. I now

forgive others who have hurt me also. I release the anger,

the pain and the attachments so that I may be free of this

pain and may free this person of the pain as well. I do this

with the love of my higher Self and Spirit that I may move on

freely and easily.

~By Wendy H. Chapman

copyright 2004 Metagifted.Org

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Today is April 7, 2004

I have read this quote many times in the last few weeks. I figured that means that I need to share and work on this subject. When I am doing my reading in the mornings (which has been hard to do the last few days) I just let my mind wander, and I look at my collection of inspirations with an open heart. I think its like when my people would find their answers by putting a pin in a closed bible and then reading that page for whatever answer they needed at the time. I have opened to this one four out of five days, in the last week. I don’t believe in coincidence, so my spirit must be trying to tell me something. I am working on forgiving. I try to forgive myself for mistakes that I make/have made. It is not easy to do. I have an even harder time forgiving those who cause me pain of any kind. After 30 years of pain it gets hard to say “OK, I now forgive you for…” I hang on to the memory of past times to protect myself in the future. I know that this is a type of cancer, eating away my beautiful core. I am trying to release the memories, because I know that I will never let those things happen to me again. I count on only my immediate family (those in my home) for anything I need. I expect nothing from the world or the people in it. I expect to have to fight, scratch and claw myself to anything that I really want or love. I am asking the universe for the magic of forgiveness in my heart. I want to release the dead zone, and feel life creep into all the corners, brushing away the ashes of past lives. Today I will open myself to the possibility that I can forgive my birth family for all of their faults and cruelty. Today I will breath the free air and taste the free sun and hold the real true loves of my life in my arms and forgive myself for not being perfect. Forgive myself for hating the evildoers in my life. Forgive myself for not always making the best choice or the right moves. I will live as a free woman today, talking to my free spirit, with an open mind and heart. Its just one day, I can go back to the old ways tomorrow if I want to. I can do anything for 24 hours, its not my entire life, its just today. Today I’ll forgive them and forgive myself. Just today, Just Imagine.

Growing in truth,

H

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To be a warrior is not a simple matter of wishing to be one. It is rather an endless struggle that will go on to the very last moment of our lives. Nobody is born a warrior, in exactly the same way that nobody is born an average man. We make ourselves into one or the other.”

~ Carlos Castaneda, 20th century mystic and Toltec warrior

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Today is April 10, 2004

Are you a “warrior”?

I am that warrior.

Rumi called it (the struggle) the inner jihad, and Plato called it “the combat of life”.

I used to feel like it was all just so much work, and I never had any fun. I worked, head bent into the wind, not looking up very often, because then I would see how far I had left to go.

Today I hold my head up, I look right into that wind, and look forward to the work I am doing. I have learned to follow my dream. Its not easy, let me tell you that right now. I enjoy the process now, because my eyes are open to the progress that I make and to the path is one that I have chosen.

I drive an old, ugly volvo station wagon (that I own and can work on myself), I live in a really great house (with my studio) that I rent. I have not bought a “new” stitch of clothing in years. I eat a lot of rice and beans. I have not been out on a date with my mate in over 5 years. My kids are more work than I think I can manage each and every day, the amount of laundry and food these people can create and need is astounding. I regularly feel like I am so tired that I can’t take another step. I have not had a private moment in the bathroom in 10 years. Getting a shower everyday is a luxury. So, what I am getting at is, I choose this life. I want this life today. I would rather live frugally and be happy with what I “do” have rather than sell myself short so that I can “have the stuff” that we are all supposed to want. Debit and Things are a noose around my neck.

I really love the “things” that I do have, each and every one, and I saved up and sacrificed for those things, now they are mine and I don’t have to be beholden to anyone for them.

My family lives very simply, when we could do otherwise. We do it together, with the full consent of all members (the teenager sometimes, not so much), so that our lives can be our own. We call the shots and take it on the chin together. I am richer by far in my simplicity than many I know.

I am that warrior, because I choose my path, outside the norm. I am that warrior, because I know I have a long ways to go, before I’ll be complete as a person and a soul. I am that warrior, because I know how to love and be loved. I am that warrior, because I will never stop, and I will therefor never be a failure. I am that warrior, because I share my everyday, simple, passionate life with you. I am that warrior because I survived my “war” intact and sane. I am that warrior because, I choose to be happy now, not later.

The future is no place to put your better days. Live in this moment…right now as you are reading this…what do you feel? Touch that for just a moment…good or bad…what does it mean? What battles are you willing to fight for? Are you willing to fight for yourself? You are worth it, so am I. Fight, put on your armor, pick up your sword, I’ll see you on the battlefield, that some call life.

Who are you?

What do you stand/fight for?

Tell me.

I really want to know, I care about who you are. I want you to be happy, (whatever form that takes for you) and if no one has told you yet today, you are special and important and talented and beautiful and needed in this reality. Be happy today, raise your cup and drink to this life with me. I toast your audacity and my brass balls. Hey somebody has to have them, you can have them next…they are kinda heavy:)

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Ammachi* says that,

“along with men, women should shoulder equal responsibility in the growth and development of society. As long as women do not make the effort to awaken, they are, in a way, themselves responsible for creating their own narrow world.”

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Today is April 13, 2004.

Are you getting my message this morning?

I have been looking at my own personal “blinders” and have been feeling frustrated by my acceptance of my “role” in my family, the world, and this reality.

I cook, clean, run errands, pay bills, and manage the family interests, just like most of the other females on the planet. I am creator, and lover, friend and beast. I have never allowed my mate to call me his “wife”, the term makes my skin crawl. I do what I do because I want to. Not because I was born a grrrl. I love and cherish my family and friends because in doing so, I evolve into the person I want to be, not because I was born with a uterus and a “role”.

I gave up my birth family, because they insisted in seeing me only through their own narrow perceptions of women. I do not want to be an obsession, possession, or exploitation device. (I don’t hate the sex trade or porn or anything like that I am speaking metaphysically and from my own personal experience here) So I changed it, I cut them out like you would any cancer.

I have given 34 years to waiting and want their LOVE, not their rules in which they will give love. It has been so hard to Orphan myself in such a way, it has also been the most liberating thing I have ever done.

I relieved my own narrow vision of myself by doing so. I am who I am, not because of my gender. I would do all of the things I do today, for the shear joy of it (not to say its all a joy…I hate the chores part of my life, just like every sane person does), no matter what plumbing I had been born with. Do I now feel equal to Men…Hell no…I feel equal to HUMANS. We are a species, not a gender, race, sexual orientation, or religious association.

I welcome a broader view of my gender, my race, my spiritual associations. If it resonates with you too, well that a bonus, and I love that connection, I crave it. If it sounds like rubbish to you, well I welcome that too, I love that connection and intellectual stimulation that a well founded debate can generate. A growth experience either way.

Hey, I’m on a journey here, join me, leave me, but don’t try to stop me, because I am a steam roller, unstoppable and unbreakable. I believe in MYSELF! Unquestionably imperfect and flawed and beautiful in my evolution. I am the next step in the process of species evolution, you are too. We have the chance to change to world, starting with ourselves, are you up to the task?

What do you Believe in? Tell me.

I hold in my heart and head the power to transform myself and in doing so I share the bloody bits as well as the beauty. In that I reshape the wolds view of me as well my own. I have removed my blinders, I no longer see my work as womans work, but a job that I have chosen to take on and do my best at it. I don’t have to worry that thats all I’ll ever “get” or “be”.

What are you? What do you want to be? Man or Woman, do you have the social blinders on about your “role” in this reality? Do you feel pigeon holed into your life? Do you feel lost and lonely in your life, (even if you are surrounded by people everyday)? Would you like to remove the narrowness of your life? You can. Start right now, this minute, make a small step, shift your perceptions for one minute, just feel what it would feel like to be sitting there, all ready trans formed into the person you think you want to be. What is it like? That moment can be yours for the rest of your life if you are brave enough to broaden your view of the world, yourself and this reality.

Come on now, you can do anything, so can I…and I am.

You are wonderful, and an important part of this consciousness, I’m glad that you are here reading my ramblings, watching my fumbles and successes.

I am working on creating new world order, by starting on myself and my male children (I have three sons). What are you doing today?

WAKE UP! SEE THE WORLD.

Just today, Just Imagine.

Growing In Truth,

H

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“Moderation? It’s mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It’s the devil’s dilemma. It’s neither doing nor not doing. It’s the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It’s for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation…is lukewarm tea, the devil’s own brew.”

~ Dan Millman, 21st century philosopher

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Today is April 14, 2004.

Good Morning one and all. Wow, yesterdays blog (see in the archive page) was received very well by all my regulars in this social experiment…I had more than 25 email’s from you all, about how having a narrow vision of yourself (or others narrow vision of you) has shaped your lives. Thank you for taking the time to write and share with me, your time, your energy, and your wisdom. Look for your words in the upcoming Anthology of Growth. As always, I welcome all perspectives on each subject. So don’t be shy, tell me more.

Well, today I’m going to talk about another of my stumbling blocks along this path. Moderation.

I have heard it millions of times (you too) that anything in moderation, is OK, excess is the enemy.

I no longer subscribe to this cliché.

How can I live to my fullest if I am not dancing on the razors edge? I feel I must have the thrill (some call it fear) of failure sometimes, to fully appreciate my successes, and my losses. I don’t fail anymore anyway, I just took away the rules around what defines failure, took away my “rules” about what constitutes a failure, and the rest took care of itself. I hardly ever feel as if I have “failed” any more. I don’t paint a winner every time, I don’t always do the right thing, hell sex isn’t always a mind blower…if you think about it, nothing in life fits into a moderate life style. I want to feel, live, see and experience everything. I don’t want to be deadened to the world, cocooned in the safety of never going too far.

I don’t mean to say that I go off half cocked, (today I’m only moderate in my insanity) I am only saying that playing it safe every time, leaves for a pretty dull life. For myself anyway. If I had never thought to push the envelope, I would never started painting and writing, I would have stuck to my school training, my life’s training, (I have a degree in garden/horticulutre/and design) and continued on my safe path. It was boring and unsatisfying. I was and am excellent at what my training has given me, I was and still am successful with that as well. But I don’t want safe success!

I want to LIVE! So I am, its pretty simple, really. I gave up the comfort of “the American” dream, I have taken on my HUMAN DREAM. I am sure that is different for each of us. What’s your dream? What are you going to do today to advance toward that dream?

For me that means finding a way to feel fulfilled in all of my daily endeavors. It may be folding the clothes, or working on my master work. It does not matter, I need to feel good about it, or honey it just ain’t gonna get done, at all, period. I try to make myself do and be, and I have found that being fake does not hold the charm it once did. It is not easy to do it anymore, and is irritating to do it for more than a few minutes at a time.

Do I miss some of my creature comforts and securities? Of course…everytime my car won’t start, every time I want to paint the walls of my home and can’t (I rent) every time, my kids want some “thing” and I can’t give it to them, I miss my old standard of living. I figure that’s when most people stop trying, get tired and beat down by the social system, and just give in so they can rest and have some comfort.

I am saying “the hell with that!”

If my discomfort forces me to grow and stretch (it does, daily, believe me) then I come away a winner, and richer by far. I win myself, my principles, my life, my terms. So, if that means that we wear second hand clothes, and clip coupons, and by honey from the guy that wanders around selling door to door, so much the better. Because it all matters! Every moment, every small decision, every small effort, matters to the spirit, to my souls growth, to my completion.

Wanting is good for you, gives you drive and ambition, makes you get up in the morning. Reminds you of where you have been, and where you want to go.

For me I find that I really want very little material “things” in this world. What I want you can not buy, borrow, or steal.

I want real, healthy, love. I want passion, I want freedom, and peace. I want health, I want connection, I want trust and confidence. I want my great, wonderful, children to grow into healthy strong Men. I want my lover to come home everyday and look at me with love, and fire. I want to make love in the sunny spots on the kitchen floor. I want spontaneity. I want friendship, and loyalty and honor. I want respect. I want to eat good food, I want to love the flesh I was born with, I want to really like myself, and trust myself. I want to know my spirit, my connection to this universe and the magic within it. That is what defines “happy”, for me. What do you need to be happy?

I don’t want any of these things in MODERATION, would you?

Try thinking about moderation, and let me know what happens. Your mission, if you choose to accept it…this message will self destruct in 3, 2, 1…

Just Today, Just Imagine.

Growing In Truth,

H

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“I believe that words can help us move or keep us paralysed, and that our choices of language and verbal tone have something — a great deal — to do with how we live our lives and whom we end up speaking with and hearing; and that we can deflect words by trivialization, of course, but also by ritualized respect, or we can let them enter our souls and mix with the juices of our minds.”

~ Adrienne Cecile Rich (1929-)

US author, feminist, & poet, wrote poetry collections

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Today is April 15, 2004.

I know that this is true. The above quote makes me think about the way language is used everyday. To build and to destroy. How crucial it is to everything that we do and how we perceive our lives.

Just look at the words our president used in his speech recently. How the news is filled with “spin”, how we talk to our loved ones and co-workers, and how they talk with us, how my teenager talks to his friends and family. How I can say I love you in several different tones and it means different things each time.

I know language is magic. I have always believed(even when I was tiny) that if I wrote something down, that magic would happen, providence if you will.

For example: My teenager is currently living back at home with me. He has returned from his first ever living experience with his birth father, emotionally drained and troubled. I am now in a position of needing to heal and re-educate my son in the ways of the warrior.

His father is a Human that can be very hard to communicate with, without it becoming a fight. Hard feelings on all sides. I have to monitor the way I communicate with my son, his father, and the surrounding adults and friends. I have to not only think of what I am saying, but also the correct tone to convey information, and emotion.

In order to do those things effectively, I have written a small outline for the conversation that I need to have with his father. In that outline, I have the major points that need to be expressed, but more important to me, I have written behavior notes to myself.

Such as,I will remain, calm when discussing money (an emotional subject for the best of us), I will remain firm but loving when talking about visitation. I will remember that we all deal with emotions differently, and all of us have internal dialogues going on with ourselves during stressful times.

I can not control anyone else or their emotions or reactions to an emotionally charged stimulus. I can only control myself and how I react to any given situation. I am my master, no one else’s.

I am not responsible for others maturity or lack there of. I am no longer afraid of anyone or anything. I will remember that this could turn out well, in the end. It could be a positive exchange.

I will try to remain optimistic and not fatalistic when dealing with uncomfortable situations. I will try to remember that this is not comfortable for him either.

I will hope for the best, and not expect the worst. I will try not to expect anything. I will approach this situation with a clean slate, no baggage, old tapes, or wounds. I will remember that we show and express love differently and in accordance to our internal dialogues and inner laws.

I will try as hard as I possibly can to NOT JUDGE.

I will remember that I can end any situation any time I want to. I can walk away. I can control myself. I can be firm and poised without being cold and harsh.

I can do this. I have done this. I have been doing this for years.

Confrontation is never easy for any human.

I will do it again, and again, and again, ad infinitum, because my ultimate goal is the best I can do for my treasure, my miracle, my son.

My motivation is love, not control.

If I had wanted to remain in control I would never let anything bad happen to my baby. That would not have made him a better MAN, it would have weakened him.

This world is a tough, confusing, cold place sometimes. Rose colored glasses don’t do a thing, but perspective is a saving grace.

I can change the way this feels and impacts me by looking at it from different angles.

I could tell myself, “OK the Bastard is at it again, I wish this was over, I can’t wait till he turns 18 and I’ll finally be done, how can he be so ignorant?!” (thats the one that runs thru my head in a loop sometimes)

Or I can think about it like this, “I have another real world chance to show my son by example of a healthy way to be and express anger and frustration, stand up for yourself, and be brave and honorable. And I have the chance to possibly make a difference in my ex-mates real relationship with his son. This time it might work out OK, but I can handle it even if it does not and so can my son.”

So, I go forth to the battle field of everyday life, I am a peaceful warrior, I will not fail, because I will never give up. I am not perfect, I will make mistakes, I will just never let my mistakes stand in the way of my success. I will live my life, on my terms. I can not control my circumstance, I can only control my reaction to it. There is only one Master here, only one, My Theory Of One. Me. I give myself power by writing these words and giving them to the universe as my prayer, my offer, my command. This is my magic, I am the seeker, Let it Be.

Stay Tuned…for further reports from the front lines of this reporter grrrls struggle to maintain sanity in an insane world. Just Do It!

What are you thinking? Tell me. Can you relate?

Just Today, Just Imagine.

Growing In Truth,

H

*****************************************************************************************************”You are good when you strive to give of yourself. Yet you are not evil when you seek gain for yourself. For when you strive for gain you are but a root that clings to the earth and sucks at her breast. Surely the fruit cannot say to the root, ‘Be like me, ripe and full and ever giving of your abundance.’ For to the fruit giving is a need as receiving is a need to the root.”

~ Kahlil Gibran, 20th century Syrian-born mystic poet, philosopher, and artist

from The Prophet

*********************************************

Today is April 21, 2004.

We need roots to bear fruit.

I am not feeling my roots these last few days.

I have been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off for more than a week, wondering….when the hell do I get a break? I figured it out. Never.

I have been feeling badly because of my lack of sales over the last month, does that mean that I am not trying hard enough, does my stuff suck, will I ever make another dime? I feel great when I am selling, and insecure when I am not. You would think after all these years of being on my own that I could take a slump in stride…well, I don’t.

I feel scared and worried, I guess just as we all do when faced with self doubt.

Top that with the crazy way that the people in my life act sometimes and you have the makings of a good old melt down.

We have been working like crazy for two years, trying to keep us financially afloat, trying to keep us on the “path”, trying to stay healthy in the face of so much stress and trying to raise and protect our three children.

We have lost everything in the last two years, and I mean every “thing”.

Our very successful nursery/landscaping business went tits up, lost the house and our credit rating, our cars, our savings, our stuff (we sold it for food money), my health and any and all extras in life.

Most of the time I can feel my strong roots, keeping me here in this moment, this reality.

For the last three days I have felt like I was in free fall, my roots severed and my head spinning.

I have painted, and the painting is good, I can’t seem to get past the background stage, until yesterday, I finally finished one, and I love it. (whew…what a relief) I think I’ll call it free-fall, and you can see it in the Available Wall Art Gallery.

The other one is still untitled…I don’t know what the heck to call that one.

I feel tired, drained and put out. I feel like I could use a little extra something, I feel like its all hard, nothing ever comes easy, what the hell!! When is it my turn?

I am having a my period in a house full of men, what the hell do they really know about night sweats, back pain from some where deeper than hell, swollen boobs, bloating, and (seemingly) never ending seepage.

I don’t want to be a Man, I just don’t want to be a grrrl right now either…I’ll take what is “it”? for $1000.00 please Alex….

As far as the “conversation” with my ex-mate went…well it went. I stayed true to my “list” (see last post in the archives) and it went as well as could be expected when dealing with a mental midget (no offense to little people:). I said the right things, stuck to my guns, stayed strong and came out of it with basically nothing accomplished…again. I wish I could just quit sometimes.

I think I need a vacation from my life, I need to be somebody else for today…want to trade? What are you a sadist? Ha HA Ha. I’m off track again…we were talking about my roots…I’m just not feeling it today.

I just want to lay in the sun and bake…except I live in puddle town, USA. ARRRGH, won’t anything go my way?

Now, I have only got three doctors appointments, dinner for five, three paintings started but not finished, and my period to deal with today, oh yeah… I forgot that I have a list of errands too…the library, the bank, the dry cleaners, and the school, all that and a phobia about public restrooms…great…. That’s all.

Hey! I can be a self indulgent whiner every now and then too…I’m not freakin Rebbecca of Sunnybrook here, and this is my blog…I’m mentally giving myself the finger…double fisted…

Oh, yeah back to my roots…screw it, I ain’t got no roots today….I’m flying by the seat of my pants( sorry bout that..yucky imagery)…now where is my Midol (drug of choice these days), my baggy jeans, my coffee, and my happy face…I swear I left it right here, next to my keys…where are my keys? Oh, double damn…

What will I make of this day? The best that I can, and live with the rest. Sometimes its hard to be a peaceful warrior…when you really feel like smashing in some heads…

What are you thinking? Tell me. Can you relate?

Just Today, Just Imagine.

Growing In Truth,

H

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