Today is April 26, 2004.
WARNING THIS MAY NOT BE A FAMILY FRIENDLY POST!
Well… What a Difference a day can make.
I want to scream, rip my hair out and stomp my feet.
I spent time with a dear friend last night, and for the first time ever I felt judged by her.
I may be feeling something that’s not even there.
I may be coming at it from the wrong angle.
I tried to live in the moment while a difficult moment passed between us, a moral dilemma, which I thought we would never face.
For all these years, she has been the one person who I have never felt judged by. It became a measuring stick for all relationships that have followed.
What will I allow personally from someone (cause now I know what is healthy and what is not, for me, just me not you), and what can I truly accept from someone else?
I have a problem with taking on the responsibility of others people’s feelings, or more clearly put, how they feel about me.
I have the hardest time with absolute TRUST.
I have never lived an “honest” life.
I have had the shittiest of lives.
That type of personal history is seen in just a few ways in this “real” world.
That I have a “poor me” complex, because when pressed in social situations to divulge some story about myself, I am faced with two choices…tell a “real” story that relates to my “real” past or LIE!
I usually Lie.
I come up with a purely fictional story that is appropriate for the situation, and makes me “normal” because of a shared social experience.
It is easier, more socially acceptable and has fewer judgments attached to it. It makes me a lier though and that’s hard to live with.
It makes it hard to keep it all straight, it becomes a way of life.
It becomes a life, the made up past starts feeling more real that the real past.
Well, what the hell…what would any sane mind do? You want to freaking carry that shit around with you?
Because people either think I’m “using” my past to get what I want, (I have always wondered why Because I was Tortured As A Child That Makes Me LESS Trustworthy As A Human Now) or they get really interested in my yucky-ness because its exotic or some shit.
In other words it makes them feel better about themselves, because their life seems easy in comparison.
I affectionately refer to this type as an “Ego Feeder”, as in feeding theirs, not mine.
Or they just see me as PREY.
Fresh And Tasty.
I am a weirdo Magnet.
So, I have realized that to have a true relationship with anyone is quite difficult for me. Needless to point out that this is what this experiment is all about for me.
living real, and in the moment, because really, that’s the only “safe” place I have internally or externally.
I only trust people that…well, you know I can’t even finish that farking sentence right now. My heart is pounding now, a steady tempo in my back brain.
I want to scream, and hit and tear my hair out.
I am frustrated, I am angry with me not HER.
I am mad because even though I sat their in her living room last night, and said, “I’m not going to be responsible for how you feel about this, I hear you, I am not judging you, I am just not going to take on the burden of feeling badly because you are holding these feelings about me. I hear that you are saying that you are not judging me.”
I did bring it home, it is living in my chest, and is coiled up like a snake, and it’s squeezing the holy living shit out of my heart.
And I am doing it to myself.
I am waging a war with my internal garbage truck…holding up my hands…screaming over the backing up beep-beep-beeep…Not Here, Don’t DUMP THAT SHIT here! Of course the people in my head…they have freaking selective hearing, and they just make a mess any old damn where they please. Bastards…traitorous Bastards.
So, wiping my nose and feeling disconnected and numb, I’ll end this post because it’s not going to make me feel any better either.
Emotional crisis, breakdown…DANGER Will Robinson…DANGER.
My heads going to explode.
It will pass. I can make it through this, feeling…like there has been a death.
I am that Warrior…this is my battlefield…I will not be defeated, I just don’t know if I will ever be able to trust…is it possible, to not get hurt when offering your heart?
I guess not, “YOU! Stop your Sniveling and Get up and go do Something that is Meaningful and Constructive.” (That is part of my internal dialogue) I don’t want to live in this moment… it sucks, and I hate it, so there.
Just Today, Just Imagine.
Growing In Truth,
Today is April 26, 2004.